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Food and Money Insights

Piggy Bank

“No matter what the outcome, when u labor with all your heart, making your very being manifest in your efforts, u do not labor in vain.”   Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, NJ 4/19/2011

For days I have been wandering around my house feeling very hungry and yet nothing that I have available to eat sounds appetizing.  I have been eating on list and measuring each item, and trying to make my partner decide his own menu.   I just do not want to cook anything right now either – absolutely nothing.

I do not want to watch the news and several of the movies that have come to the house just do not interest me and I have mailed them back.  I do not want to do fear.

I am exhausted with applying for jobs and getting rejected, and I just keep pushing forward and making myself a disciplined routine.  I can no longer get a visual of what I do want to be doing; I cannot focus or fantasize about the future at this moment.

I am not alone; yesterday I read Blogging Without a Blog’s recent post and the great blog teacher is not inspired to write  now either.  I speculated in my comment as to why this is happening.  I think the Mayor of Newark is projecting his positive thoughts from his quote today on twitter?

I have been working out of love and I have been laboring hard for years and damn it, I cannot seem to find any results for me and the self-hatred is oozing out of my pores and into my dreams and causing a shut down.   I am blaming myself and taking responsibility for my weight issues and my money issues, but I do not seem to be getting any relief and my actions are not accruing the desired results and fulfilling the hopes.  I am feeling the sting of rejection. Blaming myself.

I went to my usual relief medication – books.  Out came Geneen Roth’s   WOMEN, FOOD AND GOD and I began reading it again.   Digging deep into the lessons I was taught about food as a child.   My parents were school teachers and on a frugal budget and they had value- programmed about food in the Great Depression.  They both lived on farms and they ate what their families provided them and they were grateful.  My Mother took those ideas and folded them into the advertisements and articles she read in her women’s magazines.  We all had 3 glasses of milk every day, and every glass consumed I thought the sensation of nausea was how one felt full.  I was taught that my Father and brother would have the biggest portions and be served first because men had such important work to do.

I learned that at first I was all bones, sickly, and then sometime around age 12, I was suddenly a round person who had to watch her weight all the time.  When diet soda came to market, the Ob/Gyn thought I should drink a can of soda before every meal to curb my appetite, and my Mother reminded me about how expensive this was but that is was a prescription from the doctor and we complied.   She also gave me synthetic vitamins, which turned into nasty kidney stones as the soda and caffeine turned into migraine headaches of devastating proportions and the sugar into tooth decay that was hurting our budget dramatically as a family.   Food was the greatest form of love distributed in my family.

I was determined to heal with food for my own children and I studied, researched, and worked to add various and varied expressions of love to my children so there was not such a limited source.

Geneen Roth lost all of her millions of dollars of investment funds to Bernie Madoff’s Investment schemes.  She has done so much work and written about weight issues that she was able to go through the stages of loss to being healing in three days – disbelief, blame, to self-realization.   She has now written a new book called  LOST AND FOUND: Unexpected Revelations About Food and MONEY.  I bought it on my KINDLE right away and was driven to read it in one afternoon.

I am at the self examination phase once again – still working on detaching myself from the old patterns and not wanting to believe that my financial situation is my responsibility after all my work and labors of trying to do everything right.   I have invested so much energy – it is not fair.

Roth was a happy person again in 3 days because she has taught and completed the work.  She now needs to detach from her things and recognize the lessons her parents gave her about money.  She can stop buying things to get attention and love.  She is watching her friends, who were invested with her in the Madoff schemes move in with their children or into friend’s garages – even going back to work after years of retirement.  She has to learn about her need to not give anything away.

I on the other hand need to stop beating myself up for having given everything away – all the time.  For not caring for “me” enough to hold on to more and demand appropriate pay for the work and energy I gave to each position I held.  I have to realize that I have not loved myself enough or thought I was worthy – I think of myself as a burden, so I make it easy for other’s to endure me.  I will not be satisfied until I have totally let go of everything and thus my physical plant is holding on for dear life.

I have worked for money all of my life.   I did little jobs for nickels and dimes until I was 12.  When I turned 12 I did regular childcare jobs, picked produce on farms, raked leaves, cleaned houses because I purchased all of my clothing except shoes and outerwear; spent my own money on entertainment and nearly every penny I made went to pay for college and graduate school. I was repeatedly told I would always have nothing and be poor, because I spent money on movies and doing things for friendship (sometimes buying friends).

I did extra jobs when my children were little so they could have camp, theater experiences, music lessons, and trips.  I did not give it to them; they had to do their half of the fundraising.

As a parent, I was supposed to take care of all medical expenses and learning specialists; I did it.

So now I must start again, first sorting out so that I know that I am worthy and that I am paid for those labors of love and energy.   All the heaps of bad news, criticism, blame and no’s are allowing me to hold on and not release….I have not surrendered

…I am exhausted with holding on and keeping at it….my body is wearing out and yelling at me…I am still laboring at it – hopefully not in vain.

These are my life lessons and I have been fervently praying through Lent for some answers I needed and it looks like I am getting replies.   Have you wished for something and gotten it?  Do you believe you must be careful of what you wish for, because you just might receive it?

Related Reading:
I Cannot Detach Myself
Dawn and release
Kindle 2 and 5 things I love about it

A reminder:  there are two book” give aways” happening on Patricia’s Wisdom right now:

April 22, 2011 will be the drawing for a copy of the book THE LONG GOODBYE – all you need to do is be from the USA or Canada and leave a comment.

April 28, 2011 The author of the book THE PROCRASTINATION EQUATION is giving away a copy to the best procrastination story or anti-procrastination technique from the comments section.

Can you recommend a book to me that you discovered and enjoyed?  Have you made any delightful discoveries as of late? Did you just decide to read something on a whim or suggestion that turned out well?  Let’s share

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12 Responses to “Food and Money Insights”

  1. Betsy Wuebker Says:

    Hi Patricia – I love how you are so willing to share the ins and outs of your process, even if it’s a rough patch like this one. And it’s just the pits to try and find a j-b. (I hate the concept so much that I couldn’t write out the word).

    You’ve done so much beautiful writing. How hard could it be to format a PDF download of your best for Kindle and put a buck-99 on it? Just a thought.
    Betsy Wuebker recently posted..Affordable Homemade Art Inspired by Sid DickensMy Profile

    patricia Reply:

    Thank you for your supportive comments – Geneen Roth’s books are all about sorting out those really hard moment of life in order to find surrender, release, growth and hope. I have found it really helpful to move into and accept the pain of any situation, because it empowers so much of my growth and transformation. We do not as a culture like to make this public…or show weakness….I am saying that this is a very Maundy Thursday experience for me – to embrace the pain because I want to soar into the change and hope of being made new….

    Roth has made millions teaching the process…I think my time is coming and I am working on writing my book…some of the writing on the blog is already ear-marked for inclusion

    Great idea – but then you always do….I am counting on you to promote this book and market it :)

    Happy Easter to you and yours

  2. Talon Says:

    That’s one life lesson I learned early and accepted, though I still don’t like it — that life isn’t fair.

    Somehow, it’s still a huge struggle, isn’t it? Self-worth tied to financial well-being. It’s very hard to separate the two in the way this world operates. Mind you, the gifts you give of love and friendship are priceless, Patricia.
    Talon recently posted..RamblingMy Profile

    patricia Reply:

    Thank you –

    I am rather a priceless person….I have always just let the money flow, but now that I need it there is no flow….the bad news is if I could just get 30 pounds off my frame the physical pain would stop the BP would stabilize and as would the blood tests….

    I am just walking and walking and walking and eating so healthy…but even with doing all the work…I am stuck…

    Re-reading Pema Chodron’s work on how to get unstuck…it takes embracing the pain and honesty…..another good thing to do during Lent

    Happy Easter

  3. Nacho Jordi Says:

    Hi, Patricia. Sorry to hear about your difficult moment. There is a lot of explosive stuff in your post, but what attracts my attention the most is what you say at the beginning about not being able to visualize what you want to do. I think it is very important that you work it out in a disciplined manner, like a gym; I don’t remember who said it, but the quote was something like ‘if you don’t create your own system, you’ll be slaved by other person’s’. I’m a firm believer in that. Maybe you could do a vision board or something like that, have something gorgeous and physical that is there with you, day after day.

    (Of course, only my two cents from the other side of the ocean. Maybe you’re sick and tired with other people’s advices about what to do and just needed to let it out-in that case, ignore me, consider me spam, whatever. I hope you gain clarity soon)
    Nacho Jordi recently posted..Two films about hopeMy Profile

    patricia Reply:

    Thank you for coming on by and I see you are all about hope on your last blog post…I am heading over…

    I believe I need to dig deeply into the root of pain – embrace it and then the next vision will come.

    Thank you for your wishes for me – never would they be spam…and I am putting out my pain here to gather ideas and comments from others.

    I have a couple of lovely vision boards I did with Evelyn Lim’s book Abundance Alchemy …. I just thought the results I wanted would be here by now and I would not have to revisit and discover so many painful feelings along the way.

    Hopping over to see you videos – sounds good.

    I also watched the Human Experience ( helpful) and The Hobart Shakespeareans ( fabulous) this week….lots of positive energy there
    thank you for you good words and welcome
    Thank you to Raul for the introduction

  4. Sam Juliano Says:

    Youare going through a very difficult time Patricia, one we all can ponder on with nodded heads. The personal anecdotes of course set the groundwork for this period of difficulty, but as you note here with Booker’s quote, there’s much more than just immediate personal gratification can provide. I respect booker far more than I do….ahmmmm….our ‘bold and audacious’ Governor, the honorable William Christie. Ha! But that’s another story. I am a New Jersey school teacher, and my wife is a school principal, so you can guess what my gripes are. I have five children in school, so the pressures are always there. My heart goes out to you, though I can’t recommend a book on this subject without pondering further. Taking refuge in some literature and film though is always a good thing.

    A very Happy Easter to you and yours Patricia!

    patricia Reply:

    Sam Juliano,

    Happy Easter to you and yours and many thanks for the comment- your words are greatly appreciated.
    sometimes our teachers just come?….the other night, after posting this I was at book group, a member was upset because she is a fan of someone who is being accused of lying. Another member asked her why she was so upset. She thoughtfully responded via email the next day saying: ” I believe lying is wrong, I am not perfect even with myself about this, so I am choosing to suffer about this event.”

    I thought about that long and hard…this is not how I wanted my life to be….I wanted by now to be thought of as an expert, knowledgeable, successful person – who did not worry about money and health and was not in debt. I wanted to be a model of how to do it and maybe write a book about how others could do this…

    I am tightly holding on to this belief….and when I get rejected and I have to juggle bills and I do not lose the weight I am choosing to be entombed with my suffering – I am choosing to suffer…until I can fully surrender…

    I have been watching some powerful movies this week : The Human Experience and The Hobart Shakespeareans – I should have been a teacher…..I am a natural. with Dyscalcula I could not pass the tests to get a certificate…and so I decided a Ph.D to teach college….university….got stuck there/I loved teaching at our local U….and Community College – now am ineligible there….Why do many doors closing?

    I lived in Verona, NJ and Princeton for awhile….and I taught gay folk in Cape May about a new disease coming round – just walking the beautiful beaches…

    Working at sticking my neck out again…

    Happy Easter to you and Yours…

  5. Chris Edgar Says:

    I can definitely get the frustration and anger that’s been coming up for you — I imagine those would be coming up for me too if I had thought of myself for a long time as a burden and that I had to help others tolerate me. My imagination is that on the other side of this anger there is what you actually want and where you want your life to be going.

    patricia Reply:

    I do believe that one must feel the feelings – focused and deeply in order to achieve the change desired…get to the root in essence….I think if I could successfully get the weight to normal, I could teach workshops….

    Working on Pema Chodron’s work about getting unstuck – big work…

    Also working on Maundy Thursday work too…

    Yep…I want my life to inspire others…get on the other side
    Thanks for your good observation and connections

  6. vered | blogger for hire Says:

    “I on the other hand need to stop beating myself up for having given everything away” – yes, you should.

    I read Betsy’s comment with interest. You ARE a great writer. Particularly your stories about surviving cancer, food issues, financial struggles – these are very interesting to read. There must be a way to make money from sharing them. I wish I knew how. I feel your frustration.
    vered | blogger for hire recently posted..Olive Oil Tasting In Barcelona- Grandma’s Onion Rolls- and a Giveaway!My Profile

    patricia Reply:

    Thank you for your kind words… there is a way to money from them – that is why I am studying Geneen Roth’s work on Food, Money and God….also Marianne Williamson’s work too – They are both making their living off healing the self…

    teaching workshops all over the country….I just don’t seem to be able to get unstuck….I believe I should not go out and teach these things until I have achieved some success and with the weight problem so evident….hmmm frustration…

    Asking the question WHY – I just end up beating myself up over it….but it is coming clearer as I go along….

    writing about these things assists me…hmmm
    Thank you for your comments and coming by…
    no olive oil yet….but then JD has not received his book yet from over a month ago….hmmm