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Believe!

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.”
~ Marge Percy, from Poem To Be of Use

There it was bold as day and center stage; the theme for this year’s Macy’s Shopping Extravaganza and Parade.

I opted out of watching my family members run on the beach for Thanksgiving morning.  This activity is their tradition and I wanted to find a new tradition for me.

I turned on the TV and muted the volume to have the Macy’s parade in the background of my writing adventure.  I placed ice paks on my knees and ankles to work on reducing the swelling and pain that came back during my 20 hours of riding the train.

I was frustrated and discouraged, elated and relieved at that moment and I could feel some tears welling up behind my thinking.   The eBook fundraiser book was up; receiving a favorable response which provided the positive energy.   The disheartened spirits were from the return of the limiting pain in my right leg, stiffness, inability to attend a movie and be able to sit and watch, and the fact that for all the effort and hard work of the last year I had only lost 26 pounds – I am grateful for that – and here I was back disabled for the fun.

My writing centered on all the ideas I could muster about what was causing all the pain in my leg, defeating my spirit, and causing this slow limp to the healthy finish line.

My eyes kept wandering to the parade and there behind the performers on the store front was the word BELIEVE.

There was my answer – I do not believe enough – it was right before my eyes!

I do not believe I deserve to be healthy
I do not believe I deserve money
I do not believe that I will achieve my goals

There I said it out loud.

I have been writing about this lack of belief and expanding my thinking for the past 5 days – and crying and finding positive renewal and release in this effort.

Why you might ask?

The foundation of my life- Calvinism/Presbyterianism/ Jewish theology has been pounded into me – deep into the core, into the heart of what I believe.  I can never do enough good works, I can never work hard enough, I can never be smart enough, pray or meditate enough or be kind enough; I can never enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.

I was born UNWORTHY.

The Medical Intuitive was right on with that diagnosis and now I comprehend.

So here is the Winter Workout and the value I must reveal in order to BELIEVE.

I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who stand in the line and haul in their places,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The darkening of the days brings me to my interior work do you find yourself drawn in by the darkness or repelled?

Do you have an interior change you are working on?  Have you conquered your feelings of unworthiness?  Or has this not been an item on your agenda?

Looking forward to your comments and stories which I am always grateful to receive.

Related Posts:
Harvest Potluck UNICEF Fundraiser
Transitions
To Be Of Use
How We Make Decisions and Changes

27 Responses to “Believe!”

  1. J.D. Meier Says:

    The more I study success, the more I see that it always starts with belief. Not the other way around.

    Just like it’s confidence before competence, it’s belief before results.
    .-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from Oprah Winfrey =-.

  2. Dot Says:

    Oh, I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. Travel can sure do a number on our bodies. This is an interesting concept — that belief can change your problems — and I’ll be interested to see how it works out for you.

    An old friend of mine used to say that deep inside she felt like she was a “factory reject.” I grew up feeling the same way. I think it’s a pretty common thing, especially with parents and religions that impose so much guilt. (As for weight, you looked in your photo in Scotland like you were a normal weight, though hiding in the back.) Hope your knees and legs feel better soon!
    .-= Dot´s last blog ..Comment on Full Disclosure by Cath Lawson =-.

  3. vered | blogger for hire Says:

    HUGS.

    Yes, definitely work on getting to a place where you feel worthy. Because you are. We all are.
    .-= vered | blogger for hire´s last blog ..Crispy, Golden Potato Latkes =-.

  4. Talon Says:

    I wish we could all learn to turn off that incessant tape recorder of soul-punishing thoughts that seem to be hardwired into our brain and so often have little or nothing to do with who we are. And maybe if we saw ourselves the way others do we might realize how valuable and worthy and awesome we are.

    I hope you are feeling better, Patricia – emotionally and physically. And I hope you peek into a mirror today and tell yourself how wonderful and worthy you are.
    .-= Talon´s last blog ..Averted =-.

  5. Patricia Says:

    thank you everyone for your comments – I could not get on my computer/on line until about 3pm today after lots of phone calls and everything working well yesterday????

    I wish I understood these things better…hurrumph!

  6. Patricia Says:

    JD
    I think you are absolutely right about belief and resolution….and I think I have finally located the debilitating emotion which keeps blocking my path to success. I am going to de-mythologize it now as my winter work and hopefully kick it out of the ball park for good.

    Dot,
    I can not tell you how angry I am about my knee – I am trying to ask “what” is causing this and checking on shoes and stride and posture and stress…heat/cold….because this is so limiting and I do not want to be limited anymore….
    Yes, belief is a great healer…..Jenny Manion talks a great deal about clearing her body of pain on Healing Chronic Pain…..Larry Dossey has spent years working on healing with prayer – even from a distance….My Medical Intuitive is in Dublin, Ireland and the first words on my first healing session were about removing the feelings of unworthiness….”I was born with”

    I thought she was nuts….but she removed it once and I felt giddy and light and could not drive my car….and it gave me a peek to the greater me….Now I am stuck again…
    The BELIEVE sign gave me another peek…

    Now I have a new key for unlocking my greatest self….now I have to define it clearly – separate the other emotions and other people out of this lock box so that I can open it and release it with my key…how lucky and I?

  7. Patricia Says:

    Vered,
    I wish my guides in growing had been more about what a gift each person is, about God’s gift of Grace, about how we all in tomb the spirit of holiness…..I had to learn about all those things in Graduate School and how to use the emotions that I have been given – not hide them away and be proper/not silly.

    This is just another one of my life lessons to learn….maybe by sharing some parts of my journey I will be able to assist someone else on their”s…

    Talon,
    I think I have the surface persona well in command….old friends might think I am a bit insecure, but most folks believe I am just quietly confident…..I want to define this key insight so that I can move on and succeed at my goals….because this deep door is closed and locked right now….and I am determined to unlock it and march on through…..

  8. Barbara Swafford Says:

    Hi Patricia,

    I like how your knee kept you indoors and because of that, you saw the sign “believe” , thus opening up a world of possibilities.

    I’m a big believer in believing. It gives me hope and strength even on days when I’m doubtful.

    I’m praying you feel better Patricia.
    .-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..The Battle Over Comments – Part 2 =-.

  9. Patricia Says:

    Barbara,
    Thank you so much for your kind words…I felt lucky to see the word and connect the ideas….I do wish the pain would diminish as it is wearing me out….

    I can now see how my belief at a deep level gets me stuck….I think this is a great break through….I am optimistic….

  10. Jannie Funster Says:

    Dude! you are way too hard on yourself! You DID lose 26 lbs, that’s just wonderful!!! I bet your clothes are pretty loose on you. To lose a lot too fast is not as good as slow and steady.

    Crying is a good sign, you are letting things go. The tears know what you need. Your heart knows what you need. Please love yourself. my dear friend, for the sweet wonderful beautiful person you are.

    I love how you said to Talon you are a bit insecure — I think those of us who are, are better off. We keep seeking.

    I sure hope your knees are better. Pain sucks. And clouds everything. I had a couple migraines over the past week and I felt sad. Are you taking anything, like ibuprophen to ease the burden? Shot of whiskey?

    If you don’t already have Liara’s book “Self Disclosure,” I’d like to send you mine!

    xoxo
    .-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Getting To Know Him… Getting To Know All About A Wonderful Blogger. =-.

  11. Hilary Says:

    Hi Patricia .. how uncomfortable .. and I do hope all things improve – I am sure they will .. and you are too = they will get better. As long as we’re working towards our goal, one tiny step at a time .. we will achieve .. just don’t stop or lay the pen down to rest .. it doesn’t help – moving forward is the important thing.

    Pain is horrible … and I do hope it eases .. I’m sure it will – you be sure it will and it will!! Keep doing what you’re doing .. don’t blame yourself .. and only do what you can do – but towards your goals ..

    Be at peace .. quiet painfree peace ..
    blessings – Hilary Melton-Butcher
    Positive Letters Inspirational Stories
    .-= Hilary´s last blog ..What Christmas memory comes back to you at the beginning of December? =-.

  12. Evita Says:

    Hi Patricia

    You brought out some super IMPORTANT points here…so many of us have been so conditioned by our childhoods, our familys, our religions…. you name it.

    Sometimes we think we changed, but we may have only changed at the conscious level, which is responsible for less than 5% of all of our thinking. To change the subconscious mind which rules more than 95% of our thinking does take some serious work.

    So yes believe!!!! And be patient, you are initiating changes each day today. You are peeling back the layers. You are reprogramming your subconscious mind. All of these benefits are yours to reap. And Patricia you ARE worthy – we all are.
    .-= Evita´s last blog ..Month in Review: November ‘09 =-.

  13. Patricia Says:

    Before I answer comments I wanted to share this:
    I could not get on the Internet yesterday until about 3pm…I went to my igoogle page very late and found this horoscope – I thought I would share it….

    Your horoscope – Week of November 23, 2009
    There’s going to be a lot of activity in your karmic and spiritual zone. It’s time for some inner work that will help you release negative patterns of thinking and open you up to spiritual truths. You may want to take up meditation or perhaps some other discipline. Venus in Scorpio is excellent for negotiating in difficult situations, and brings you many opportunities to help ease others’ pain and troubles. As a Virgo, you’re a natural healer, and this week the power of healing conversation could make a huge difference in someone’s life.

  14. Mark Says:

    Patricia,
    I love the poem excerpts, thanks for sharing these. It seems to be one of the most difficult of tasks to remember that we are enough and in every way! Many of us our born into a culture which says we are unworthy at birth, that we are born with the stain of sin upon us and that we must live the rest of our life attempting to become good. The truth is that we are born, pure, that of source, that of love and that we are enough at every moment in our life, we simply need to remember that which we are which in the moment is enough. I embrace the winter as it gives me the opportunity to read more and to reflect more as I cuddle up beneath the warmth of an old blanket and the wisdom of the ages.
    .-= Mark´s last blog ..Empowerment =-.

  15. Liara Covert Says:

    Patricia, an alternative perspective is to sense one can move beyond beliefs into that realm of inner knowing. Beliefs, byt their very nature, embody a level of doubt or negativity that inner knowing does not. A person is what he thinks or believes until he realizes the truth exists beyond the mind. You choose to feel good or not. If you choose to experience anything other than pure, unconditional love and forgiveness, then you can also choose to gain something meaningful in the process or remembering what is truly important and what you gradually outgrow.
    .-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..The key is to remember =-.

  16. Patricia Says:

    Jannie,
    I think this is a good thing – I am busy asking myself how I can be the best person I can be…and how to be at my peak of creativity at the age of about 65 for women. This is all part of the heal process. I AM seeking…you are right on….I am not being hard on myself though – I have gained some wisdom on that score!

    Pain is both a gift and problem….I so wanted to go see that inspiring movie and walk, and walk on my days off in San Francisco and be part of the fun….and I think it got me to slow down and get the “magic word” to open up more healing. I would run to the chiropractor or get a massage and heal faster, but then the pain reminds me I have no funds to do that….so I must care for myself…..I can not use anything with Corn/Corn Syrup or dairy so I stick with deep breathing, pressure points, fever few and alternate heat and cold paks.

    Crying is such a pain reliever….release….drops the blood pressure too…..cleansing….

    I do not own Liara’s book but have it on my wish list as my gift for Christmas and I still have two more books ahead to finish …
    I am re-reading Jenny Mannion’s Healing Chronic Pain book also…

    Thank you for your generous offer.

    You are just amazing…..May I make a suggestion for you? When I figured out it was corn that was pushing the migraine headaches and dropped it….(and creating huge amounts of excess estrogen) I dropped my migraine headaches down to about 2 a year….Have you watched FOOD, Inc?

    xxoo Thank you for all your care and concern…and great words of support

  17. Patricia Says:

    Hilary,
    Many thanks for your kinds words….I could not get on the Internet most of the day yesterday either – I just put my leg up with a heating pad and read a lovely, gracious story….I forgot about everything for about 5 hours…very peaceful.
    I am pursuing my goals and these are just the teachers popping up and revealing themselves…the next steps…sometime they make us fall down and go “boom” :)

    Evita,
    I totally agree with you that 95% of the deep stuff takes some big work to discover and release. I am asking all my spirit guides to help me – and look at the angels who have spoken here. Aren’t I the lucky one….I lead with my emotions as Karl Jung would say….so I am working on being an emotional expert to use emotions to gain heal and peace….My 5% knows I am worthy…now we will exorcise the rest and become 100% – it is painful work….sometimes….I will show others how – lead the way I so appreciate your insight and word -blessings

    Mark,
    You brought the release of tears – I am grateful
    Blessed be the writer’s nib and warm blankets of wisdom.

    Liara,
    The key is to remember – even while dusting
    Thank you

  18. Liara Covert Says:

    Patricia, physical existence invites you to realize to what you have direct connections and how you create illusions to distract you from the truth. You honour your true self through reflection and through simply being. You need not search for the miraculous because you are a walking miracle. I sense you would appreciate my Self-Disclosure: Changes from Within book with journal exercises as well as a book called In Search of the Miraculous: Healing into Consciousness by Eliza Mada Dalian. Bessings and love to you. Kindred spirits surround you always.
    .-= Liara Covert´s last blog ..The key is to remember =-.

  19. Patricia Says:

    Liara,
    Thank you for the conversation and I have your book on my Christmas List – since it is the only thing on my list with a new toothbrush….I think it will be coming my way. I am excited about reading it.

    Just being….is very hard work for me…I take it moment by moment
    Thank you for your blessing and kind words

  20. Julie Says:

    Dear Patricia, I second everything everyone says!

    Be proud of yourself for your accomplishments; that’s a lot of weight lifted, 26 lbs, and you’ve had the “weight” of a bad knee turned “good,” too. You can always have these accomplishments again, but try to just let them unfold into being of their own accord. Pushing, even for something so beneficial is automatically a struggle.

    As for the whys and wherefores and how comes, none of that really matters, ultimately. While nice, and even sometimes helpful for deeper understanding, I’ve witnessed people overcome IMMENSE obstacles (of the inner and physical kind) by simply focusing on belief (your word, “Believe”) for so long that believing becomes first a faith and then, as Liara says, a true inner knowing. Sometimes, and I’ve found this true for me, that spending so much time trying to understand that the agonizing is actually magnified. Less hanging on and more letting go is like a cool breeze fanning a hot face. It’s truly a breath of fresh air.

    My love goes out to you with great big hugs! :)
    ~ Julie
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..A Different Thanksgiving =-.

  21. Patricia Says:

    Julie,
    Thank you for your good words and suggestions….I am working on letting go today – breathing into my knee before moving…I even made myself a big bowl of homemade (from free range, pastured, organic,) chicken noodle soup. Not vegan, not raw…but just what I needed today…
    It is helpful to me to see clearly the “stuckness” it seems to bring in a breath of fresh air through understanding.
    xxoo to you – you are such a friend and so wise

  22. Fannie Junster Says:

    Hmmn, so maybe my daily breakfasts of Cheetos with boiled popcorn, lunches of corn-on-the-cob sprinkled with johnny-cake slivers, and dinners of corn muffins basted in kernal corn sauce may be doing me in.

    Hmmn.

    And why do you only eat raw stuff? You mean everything?? Just wondering..

    xoxo

    Oh, and I agree with Liara on you being a Walking Miracle. You are, you know!
    .-= Fannie Junster´s last blog ..Getting To Know Him… Getting To Know All About A Wonderful Blogger. =-.

  23. Fannie Junster Says:

    I mean, except for your soup today, on the raw question.

    My love goes out to you too!

    xo
    .-= Fannie Junster´s last blog ..Getting To Know Him… Getting To Know All About A Wonderful Blogger. =-.

  24. patricia Says:

    Fannie Junster,
    I started on August 24th to do Dr Fuhrman’s Eat to Live program as recommended by a number of folks, including Julie, Evita and JD

    One only eats raw on his program and it is supposed to normalize blood sugar, blood pressure, inflammation problems and weight. And it worked to get the 18 pounds from the medicine that did not work….and it really cleaned me out….I could truly see where the dairy and corn was affecting me and my body in a negative way.

    In the middle of October I added 1 salmon fillet a week – cooked and 1 sweet potato cooked per week. I stopped loosing weight.

    Now the inflammation in my knees is interfering with my walking and causing tremendous pain. And interfering with my fun time.

    I am working on why I am stuck…and reversing my good feelings

    Yes, I am saying that the problems with dairy and corn maybe a huge part of the migraine headaches….from all the reading I am doing on Food and Food, INC the DVD….and this new book full of the chemical problems in processing food….Ibuprofen is compressed corn….under a different name….Most antibiotics I can not take because of corn and dairy…and antibiotics are in our milk and beef, pigs,chickens….and synthetic additives are the make up of my kidney stones….

    Yep raw, raw, and more raw….with a few exceptions….I also had turkey and roasted pumpkin soup for Thanksgiving….

    This Miracle is not doing much walking today…but is doing great laughing at your post….What a hoot! What a creative idea!

  25. Fannie Jannie Funster Says:

    Wow, ibuphrophen is compressed corn?? Holy freaking fricky-frack. (M yown word, nice eh??)

    And sorry, I never could spell ibuprophen.

    Oh, speaking of which, Kelly cracked me up the other day. Called her Advent calendar an Advil calendar.

    :)

    xo

    And your knees? All happy and jolly today??

    xo

    xo

    x0
    .-= Fannie Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Getting To Know Him… Getting To Know All About A Wonderful Blogger. =-.

  26. Grannie Fannie Jannie Funster Says:

    xo

    :)
    .-= Grannie Fannie Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Getting To Know Him… Getting To Know All About A Wonderful Blogger. =-.

  27. patricia Says:

    Jannie,
    Maybe the rule is if you can’t spell it don’t take it????ha ha…I have to look them all up…
    Knees improving, but walking makes them worse….Intuitive says it is a provoke upon my liver…maybe all the corn and ammonia in the train food….I did clean my system out very diligently this fall???and that kind of makes sense.
    Advil Calendar that is very funny…How is her arm doing?

    Grannie Fannie,
    XXOO always