I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.”
~ Marge Percy, from Poem To Be of Use
There it was bold as day and center stage; the theme for this year’s Macy’s Shopping Extravaganza and Parade.
I opted out of watching my family members run on the beach for Thanksgiving morning. This activity is their tradition and I wanted to find a new tradition for me.
I turned on the TV and muted the volume to have the Macy’s parade in the background of my writing adventure. I placed ice paks on my knees and ankles to work on reducing the swelling and pain that came back during my 20 hours of riding the train.
I was frustrated and discouraged, elated and relieved at that moment and I could feel some tears welling up behind my thinking. The eBook fundraiser book was up; receiving a favorable response which provided the positive energy. The disheartened spirits were from the return of the limiting pain in my right leg, stiffness, inability to attend a movie and be able to sit and watch, and the fact that for all the effort and hard work of the last year I had only lost 26 pounds – I am grateful for that – and here I was back disabled for the fun.
My writing centered on all the ideas I could muster about what was causing all the pain in my leg, defeating my spirit, and causing this slow limp to the healthy finish line.
My eyes kept wandering to the parade and there behind the performers on the store front was the word BELIEVE.
There was my answer – I do not believe enough – it was right before my eyes!
I do not believe I deserve to be healthy
I do not believe I deserve money
I do not believe that I will achieve my goals
There I said it out loud.
I have been writing about this lack of belief and expanding my thinking for the past 5 days – and crying and finding positive renewal and release in this effort.
Why you might ask?
The foundation of my life- Calvinism/Presbyterianism/ Jewish theology has been pounded into me – deep into the core, into the heart of what I believe. I can never do enough good works, I can never work hard enough, I can never be smart enough, pray or meditate enough or be kind enough; I can never enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.
I was born UNWORTHY.
The Medical Intuitive was right on with that diagnosis and now I comprehend.
So here is the Winter Workout and the value I must reveal in order to BELIEVE.
I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who stand in the line and haul in their places,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.
The darkening of the days brings me to my interior work do you find yourself drawn in by the darkness or repelled?
Do you have an interior change you are working on? Have you conquered your feelings of unworthiness? Or has this not been an item on your agenda?
Looking forward to your comments and stories which I am always grateful to receive.