Home Recommended Reading Workshops About RSS

It’s NOT all in your Head

I am on day three of my healing fast only 37 days to go. The Noise within my head is becoming quite deafening and nasty. My self-talk is rather violent. I need to get out my nonviolent communications process book and become compassionate within myself.

I am going to do a pattern focused on the two major changes I am making in my life which are: healing my body form and healing my thinking about money.

The violent language in my head about my body:
Why did you get this body? It is sick all the time. It has such heavy legs and bum. These upper arms just have swinging fat hanging down. When people meet you they think you are not very smart and you must not be disciplined in your eating or life because of how you look. “They” all know I am trying to cover up being bald on top of my head. I have such black circles under my eyes. I don’t look professional or successful. For all this exercise why do I not look trim and fit? I used to be very pretty. When I walk, if I don’t think about my hip and knee placement, I am knock kneed.

What I am feeling:
I am so angry at my body and its lack of response to all that I do for it.
I have lost patience with this skeleton, muscles, joints, stomach and skin
My blood sugar levels are bouncing up and down as I retreat from the old eating pattern.
I am hearing all the doctors and therapists and specialists demanding that I do things their way and I must be making things up/lying if it does not work or I do not get the response expected. I can feel their disappointment in not finding a magic pill or solution that will make me feel better.
I am feeling downcast and distressed that I might not be able to heal myself and apprehensive about what that might mean for my future.

What I need:
I need to feel like I can get healthy enough to take my birthday trip in the summer.
I am needing to know that I am doing enough or on the right track
I need to find appreciation for my physical being and all that it has done to make me whole.
I need to let go of control and find trust
I need to let the fast work and establish its order and harmony and 3 days is not enough time.
I need reassurance that I my actions are the best for my recovery and health.
I need to be kind to myself.

What I am requesting of myself:
That I stop the violent language within my head
That I make a list of positive observations that people are making about me
That for every negative self statement on my list, I balance with 4 positive statements
That I have a 5 minute (timed) meditation before I eat anything.
That I thank myself for my-self care and efforts on my behalf at least 2 times a day.

I just wish to share with you that these are some of the observations that have come from others to me in the last 6 days and I am having trouble hearing because of my negative self-talk:
3 Friends I had not seen since before the holidays, “You look so good; you certainly have lost weight and must be feeling great.” From my walking friend, “I have missed your morning smile, but whatever you have been doing you are looking good.” From my daughter, “Those dress pants are a bit long on you, but they really look good, you look so good when you get dressed up. Your face and neck are much thinner than at Christmastime.” My Chiropractor: “Your back and neck muscles are so tight – the back of your knees are extremely tight. You are getting some massages?” My Massage Therapist: “Your voice is getting back to normal. Every muscle in your body is so tight – how can we get some relaxation going on here that you can take home with you? I believe that you abdomen is not so tight and rigid this week.”

All that violence in my -self talk makes it difficult to hear the feedback I am receiving from others.

Now I am making a plan of action to get my-self talk to be compassionate and healing.

Here are three of the self talk statements going on in my head from my money class homework this week:

  • You are so lazy with math and numbers – You don’t have a plan or a clue.
  • You spend every penny that comes into your hands – you will never be able to pay for college.
  • You do not deserve to have any money because you do not work hard enough.

These were eye openers that I am going to change from being self violence to Compassionate this week.

What violence do you commit against yourself – all in your head? How can you change this to be more compassionate towards yourself?

Related Posts:
I Needs
Observation Point
Increase Your Emotional IQ
I Request the Honor of Your Comments

This is post is from my work with Nonviolent Communications by Marshall Rosenberg

18 Responses to “It’s NOT all in your Head”

  1. Betsy Wuebker Says:

    Hi Patricia – Why, oh why, do we give ourselves permission to speak to ourselves in tones and with messages we wouldn’t dream of using with another? It is that needy little bugaboo – insecurity – that conspires to become self-loathing, which sabotages accomplishments every time.

    This post is so aware – I have never heard “it” described as violence to the self before, but we truly are assaulting our being when we accept these messages, aren’t we? Thank you for a marvelous insight.

    Betsy Wuebkers last blog post..MORE PHOTOGRAPHY GIGS LIKE THIS ANYTIME

  2. Ruth Says:

    I’ve become more and more aware recently of my violent self-talk but I hadn’t called it that… Your own statements about yourself sound a lot like things I’ve thought about my own body, my own financial abilities, etc. I like giving it a name, because it reminds me that I wouldn’t use that kind of destructive talk to another person.

    To help your positive self-talk: You are a great writer whose introspective posts lead other people to examine their own lives and make positive change. So there. :)

    Ruths last blog post..Those Six Magic Words

  3. Dot Says:

    I have a lot of abusive self-talk going on at times, too. I can identify much of it as my mother’s approach, and some of it as my own. One thing that I’ve found helpful is to have a “talk” with my cells. I apologize to them for the ugly thoughts I’ve been sending them, both consciously and unconsciously, and tell them I want to listen to what they have to say. I ask them what they’d like me to know, and then I listen to each part of my body that is having a problem. If nothing else, this calms me down and changes my attitude.

    Dots last blog post..Akashic Record Reading, Part 2

  4. Vered - MomGrind Says:

    My self-talk is violent too. Or maybe it’s angry.

    I need to be more kind to myself too.

  5. Patricia Says:

    Hi Betsy,
    Thank you for the good words. I am using Lent to fast and heal my body – I thought I should work on the violent self talk first….I was amazed at all the things I pulled up in my first reflection period…
    it is very violent to myself and angry. Three days in I can feel some release happening and this is very good.

    Hello Ruth,
    Thank you for the compliment about my writing and post. If I truly love myself why do have such burrows of anger – it think it is best to keep scanning around and getting them out…I am beginning to think I hide them inside my fat cells as protection from how nasty they can be?

    Dot,
    The talk about money in my head is definitely from my mum and dad – I made a list of all the things I have accomplished with money in my life time, I count over 50 huge successes – so why is this nasty stuff still rolling around in there? I think working with the massage therapist is also opening up some of those memories so I can release them…they are just chemicals held in our cells….I can not believe how much talking I am doing in it session – old things….still implanted in my brain…flying free…
    Thanks for you talking to the cells idea too…neat exercise

    Vered,
    They are both angry and violent. Get a little book and write them down – look at them straight forward and backwards and then figure which of your basic needs are not being met when you say that to yourself…..then make a plan to meet that basic need and release that statement….You will be amazed…you will be able to let go of them much faster…and you will be taking care of the real need/value they are masking.

    Remember women are at their best in their 50s and the most creative in their 60s….That little insight keeps me revved to get release and being open to those experiences

    Patricias last blog post..It’s NOT all in your Head

  6. Tony Single Says:

    Man… reading that knocked the stuffing out of me. I think I can relate. I have always been ugly and talk funny, which makes socialising a scary, self conscious prospect for me. As a consequence I too have often told myself all kinds of destructive things in my head…

    “You’re a worthless piece of s**t. You need to die.”

    “You are pointless. You are redundant. Just drop dead and get it over with.”

    “No wonder no one wants anything to do with you. You are like a black hole that sucks the life out of anything that comes near.”

    …and on and on and on. It’s frightening the things I tell myself. As a consequence, I have been reduced to bitterness and envy… except when I forget about myself for awhile – then I feel quite content. Thanks for the transparency, Patricia. It’s a breath of fresh air in a world of pretenders.

    Tony Singles last blog post..I’m Slowing Down… [Trottersville #114]

  7. Patricia Says:

    Tony,
    Thank you for coming on by and checking in….and sharing the inner language that you think to your self…isn’t it ugly!…How can we keep saying this to our best friend…

    Link into the ineeds post above at the end of this post…there is a list of basic human needs and values there and if you take your self talk and match it too the need that is not being met…plan how to get that need met…it will take you out of violent mode very quickly.

    I think we all have bad habits of nasty self talk….I just thinks it’s time to recognize it and get it out of our heads and working to make us better people….our own best friend…

  8. Eric Hamm Says:

    You’re a strong human being, Patricia! The more I read about your struggles the more I picture a piece of rawhide, weathered, but strong as nails. You go through things on a regular basis that many would barley survive as a once in lifetime experience.

    My self talk is a mix. When it’s negative, it completely based on the fear of the unknown. I guess this is what many of us base our negative verbiage. I often times tell myself I’m not good enough at certain things. That somehow I’m just fooling those around me and that one day I’ll be found out. Not anything in particular, just different things I try to excel at. Definitely my self trying to sabotage my success.

    Thanks for being so open so WE can feel comfortable doing the same. Eric

    Eric Hamms last blog post..A Night In The ER Really Gets You Thinking

  9. Patricia Says:

    Eric,
    Your welcome….I am being so open because I am working up cleaning up these messes to that I can fully heal…I so want to be at my very best for my 60’s and my peak of creativity…cause man oh man, if I am this creative now…just think of how the peak might turn out!…! :) thank you for coming on by and commenting and I surely do hope you are feeling much better

  10. Davina Says:

    Hi Patricia.

    You know what I’ve just thought about this as I was reading? Well, I’m gonna tell you :-) You know how when we want to make a change in our lives, or we personally evolve within ourselves, that some friends or colleagues resist the change we are making because it threatens their reality and the role we play in their lives?

    Well I think that is what could be going on with these voices. We are changing right before our very eyes. God knows that on a cellular level we are changing every second whether we want it or not.

    I wonder… those negative voices (and I know them VERY well), are acting like those friends and colleagues. You ARE changing and motivated to make improvements, and to understand yourself more. Those other parts of yourself just don’t want to accept that new you. They want you to be the same old Patricia, BUT because they are chattering away, that IS proof that you are not the same old Patrica.

    I think you are most compassionate, intelligent, generous and creative. Keep believing in yourself.

    Davinas last blog post..Benefits Of Turning Off Comments

  11. Cath Lawson Says:

    Hi Patricia – It sounds like you’re really mean to yourself. I have done my best to avoid talking to myself as much as possible for a long time. But sometimes, when I’m under stress, it’s difficult. I found the New Earth book by Eckart Tolle really helpful.

  12. Patricia Says:

    Davina,
    I think I am letting the old messages out and releasing them….It is intrigued by not feeling well and this money program I am working on….because I am working on being the healthiest ever – healing, and figuring out why I never make any money. I am intentionally pulling up this old messages and letting go….It is a powerful exercise, and it also is leaving a void that I can fill up with my compassionate ideas. Thank you for your thoughtful comments – most of my emails on this post have been about how free it was to know that other people also have negative self talk going on…and it is a part of my NVC series…

    Cath,
    Sometimes I am really mean to myself…I want to free myself to be more present and not just working off the old stories of my life – as Tolle is want to call them….it is a profoundly life changing exercise and practice – letting go…I have found for myself when I get those nasty messages out of my head into the light of day…say them outloud…they lose all their power…sometimes they make me laugh…but it seems to be the only way I can let them fly free….I try to call them out right away now…so I can let them go more rapidly.

    For 60 I want to be at my peak of creativity…no rusty old mean anchors holding me back!

  13. Jannie Funster Says:

    Why do we create our own thought violence?

    The line that stands out most to me is you being kind to yourself.

    I would suggest watching a funny movie you like – induce laughter and keep it going. Just laugh and laugh and laugh, even if it makes you cry eventually it will release you.

    I am sorry you were (are) down. Wish I could give you a big REAL hug. I will post something potentially funny – dedicated to YOU tomorrow! (You might even get a small chuckle if you read my response to your comment on my “Why?” post.)

    Jannie Funsters last blog post..Why?

  14. Patricia Says:

    Jannie,
    Thank you for coming on by…I think the violent or nasty comments are part of our hard wiring and they bubble up so that we can see what need or value we are not meeting in our lives/or when we are making changes in our lives so we can clean out the closets.

    After working out these issues in my money class and having another massage….I finally slept for 9 hours straight in my own bed – not in a chair….I feel like I am asking for them to surface so I can look them straight in the eye and clear them out.

    I also was pain free enough to work in the garden this weekend and that was very grounding and good for me.

    I will look forward to your post Jannie….as always is the case… you are a delight in my day. Thank you

  15. Jocelyn of I TAKE OFF THE MASK Says:

    Hi Patricia! Sometimes I have those negative talks with myself too, when I get impatient with myself. But then, I remember that it is we who should be the first ones to be kind to ourselves. I’ve also found out that our heath is very much related to our inner state of being. The more we’re worried, the more we get sick no matter how we seem to take care of our physical bodies. In truth, the body has the capacity to heal itself, if only we would allow it to. :-)

    Jocelyn of I TAKE OFF THE MASKs last blog post..Money Tips 15

  16. Patricia Says:

    Jocelyn,
    I am getting the “stuff” out of the closets and out of the head – cleaning up to make room for that positive, healthy creative me!

    I need to say that I am getting lots of emails from this post…and the majority are saying they are very happy and relieved to know that lots of people have this negative self talk going on in their heads – feels better not to think of being alone.

  17. Daphne Says:

    Hi Patricia,

    Wow, this is the most detailed post I have ever read on self-talk, with your actual words spelt out all the way through. I admire your honesty and am glad you wrote this.

    Betsy’s comment is so true – we talk to ourselves in a way we would never dream of talking to others. We have to learn to be polite to ourselves too. Thanks for sharing this. I know I have to watch my self-talk too.

    Daphnes last blog post..Do You Have A Personal Creed?

  18. patricia Says:

    Daphne,
    I think negative and positive self talk is part of our emotional early warning system – I have discovered that many people do not know that others do it too…

    I also believe it is very important to learn to use our emotions to their fullest…to use the negative self talk and learn from it one needs to get it out of their heads….I usually put mine on paper in my journal – then I can really see it and not let it continue shoveling dirt at me and make it build something new.

    Thank you for coming by and leaving a comment – it is very appreciated.