It’s NOT all in your Head
I am on day three of my healing fast only 37 days to go. The Noise within my head is becoming quite deafening and nasty. My self-talk is rather violent. I need to get out my nonviolent communications process book and become compassionate within myself.
I am going to do a pattern focused on the two major changes I am making in my life which are: healing my body form and healing my thinking about money.
The violent language in my head about my body:
Why did you get this body? It is sick all the time. It has such heavy legs and bum. These upper arms just have swinging fat hanging down. When people meet you they think you are not very smart and you must not be disciplined in your eating or life because of how you look. “They” all know I am trying to cover up being bald on top of my head. I have such black circles under my eyes. I don’t look professional or successful. For all this exercise why do I not look trim and fit? I used to be very pretty. When I walk, if I don’t think about my hip and knee placement, I am knock kneed.
What I am feeling:
I am so angry at my body and its lack of response to all that I do for it.
I have lost patience with this skeleton, muscles, joints, stomach and skin
My blood sugar levels are bouncing up and down as I retreat from the old eating pattern.
I am hearing all the doctors and therapists and specialists demanding that I do things their way and I must be making things up/lying if it does not work or I do not get the response expected. I can feel their disappointment in not finding a magic pill or solution that will make me feel better.
I am feeling downcast and distressed that I might not be able to heal myself and apprehensive about what that might mean for my future.
What I need:
I need to feel like I can get healthy enough to take my birthday trip in the summer.
I am needing to know that I am doing enough or on the right track
I need to find appreciation for my physical being and all that it has done to make me whole.
I need to let go of control and find trust
I need to let the fast work and establish its order and harmony and 3 days is not enough time.
I need reassurance that I my actions are the best for my recovery and health.
I need to be kind to myself.
What I am requesting of myself:
That I stop the violent language within my head
That I make a list of positive observations that people are making about me
That for every negative self statement on my list, I balance with 4 positive statements
That I have a 5 minute (timed) meditation before I eat anything.
That I thank myself for my-self care and efforts on my behalf at least 2 times a day.
I just wish to share with you that these are some of the observations that have come from others to me in the last 6 days and I am having trouble hearing because of my negative self-talk:
3 Friends I had not seen since before the holidays, “You look so good; you certainly have lost weight and must be feeling great.” From my walking friend, “I have missed your morning smile, but whatever you have been doing you are looking good.” From my daughter, “Those dress pants are a bit long on you, but they really look good, you look so good when you get dressed up. Your face and neck are much thinner than at Christmastime.” My Chiropractor: “Your back and neck muscles are so tight – the back of your knees are extremely tight. You are getting some massages?” My Massage Therapist: “Your voice is getting back to normal. Every muscle in your body is so tight – how can we get some relaxation going on here that you can take home with you? I believe that you abdomen is not so tight and rigid this week.”
All that violence in my -self talk makes it difficult to hear the feedback I am receiving from others.
Now I am making a plan of action to get my-self talk to be compassionate and healing.
Here are three of the self talk statements going on in my head from my money class homework this week:
- You are so lazy with math and numbers – You don’t have a plan or a clue.
- You spend every penny that comes into your hands – you will never be able to pay for college.
- You do not deserve to have any money because you do not work hard enough.
These were eye openers that I am going to change from being self violence to Compassionate this week.
What violence do you commit against yourself – all in your head? How can you change this to be more compassionate towards yourself?
This is post is from my work with Nonviolent Communications by Marshall Rosenberg