Every person on the planet has needs. I have never met anyone who wishes to be Needy.
Here is the best list of needs I have ever found, it is from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s book
- Autonomy –Choose one’s dreams/goals/values -Choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams/goals/values
- Celebration – Celebrate in the creations of life -Celebrate the loss of love (mourning)
Integrity –Authenticity -Meaning – Creativity
- Interdependence –Acceptance -Closeness –Contribute to the enrichment of life (exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life) – Empathy – Honesty – Empowering honesty (that which enables us to learn from our limitations) – Appreciation – Love – Reassurance – Respect – Support – Trust – Warmth
- Physical Nurturance –Air – Food –Movement/exercise – Protection from: life threatening forms of life; viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals (especially human beings) – Rest – Sexual Expression – Shelter – Touch – Water
- Spiritual Communion – Beauty –Harmony –Inspiration – Order – Peace
If your needs are not being met you are in conflict. Your emotions are going to keep firing feelings at one until one figures out which NEED is ALIVE in them and the plan for resolution.
You will have to keep mapping the pathway from emotion to need to figure out how to problem – solve this conflict.
People choose how they will react, behave, or express their emotions and unmet needs. It is a choice and it took practice and training to learn to express their emotions in the chosen format.
Someone is yelling in your face. They are having an emotional outburst – their NEED is not being resolved so they think if one takes in all their noise and blather, one will believe that the conflict is about oneself and absorb that noise, resolve the conflict; meet the need for them.
Doesn’t work that way – NOPE. If you want to resolve the noise first you have to enjoy it (observe it), separate yourself from it, recognize the emotions and guess at the unmet NEED trying to get resolution from that person. One may have triggered the emotional deployment, but one does not need to own it. One may feel badly for setting off the trigger, but it is the yelling person who has the unmet need – some need is alive in them.
This may trigger an unmet need in you, such as your need for Harmony, but the conflict is theirs not yours. “I am quite sorry to have made some feeling alive in you and caused you to be so upset.” Might help your need feel better?
If a NEED is alive in me, my -self talk maybe a series of emotional outbursts in my head or I may strike out at someone else – I am often looking for someone or thing to blame. This is looking outside my-self to find the source of my negative emotions coming to life. One must discover the unmet need to resolve the conflict within oneself.
I have pulled a muscle in my rib area. I cannot lie down to sleep. I cannot pinpoint an incident where it happened – so my insurance company will not pay for any of the treatments (the diagnosis they did pay for which was extremely expensive and I am grateful). With no sleep for weeks, I found myself extremely angry and searching for something or someone to blame. My goal was to have my healthiest year ever; I have feelings of failure about my goal. I am in conflict with my – self.
I am being nasty to myself in my head. I am exhausted from lack of sleep. I am rather grumpy to my partner and frustrated that I can not sit through writing an entire post. WHAT AM I NEEDING – WHAT IS ALIVE IN ME – I DO NOT LIKE BEING NEEDY.
The pain is telling me that I need Protection from: pain right now, I need interdependence right now, empathy, reassurance, respect, trust, and warmth right now….and this is offending my huge need to be autonomous.
As soon as I stopped looking outside for answers and found the series of unmet needs, I could find pathways to meeting the NEEDS that were alive in me.
I slept 7 hours straight as soon as I figured this out. The pain is diminished and I can start regrouping, reorganizing getting my needs met and get back to serving life with my talents and energies.
So what do you think? Does this assist you in understanding conflict? How do you handle unmet needs that are alive? How do children?