“No matter what the outcome, when u labor with all your heart, making your very being manifest in your efforts, u do not labor in vain.” Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, NJ 4/19/2011
For days I have been wandering around my house feeling very hungry and yet nothing that I have available to eat sounds appetizing. I have been eating on list and measuring each item, and trying to make my partner decide his own menu. I just do not want to cook anything right now either – absolutely nothing.
I do not want to watch the news and several of the movies that have come to the house just do not interest me and I have mailed them back. I do not want to do fear.
I am exhausted with applying for jobs and getting rejected, and I just keep pushing forward and making myself a disciplined routine. I can no longer get a visual of what I do want to be doing; I cannot focus or fantasize about the future at this moment.
I am not alone; yesterday I read Blogging Without a Blog’s recent post and the great blog teacher is not inspired to write now either. I speculated in my comment as to why this is happening. I think the Mayor of Newark is projecting his positive thoughts from his quote today on twitter?
I have been working out of love and I have been laboring hard for years and damn it, I cannot seem to find any results for me and the self-hatred is oozing out of my pores and into my dreams and causing a shut down. I am blaming myself and taking responsibility for my weight issues and my money issues, but I do not seem to be getting any relief and my actions are not accruing the desired results and fulfilling the hopes. I am feeling the sting of rejection. Blaming myself.
I went to my usual relief medication – books. Out came Geneen Roth’s WOMEN, FOOD AND GOD and I began reading it again. Digging deep into the lessons I was taught about food as a child. My parents were school teachers and on a frugal budget and they had value- programmed about food in the Great Depression. They both lived on farms and they ate what their families provided them and they were grateful. My Mother took those ideas and folded them into the advertisements and articles she read in her women’s magazines. We all had 3 glasses of milk every day, and every glass consumed I thought the sensation of nausea was how one felt full. I was taught that my Father and brother would have the biggest portions and be served first because men had such important work to do.
I learned that at first I was all bones, sickly, and then sometime around age 12, I was suddenly a round person who had to watch her weight all the time. When diet soda came to market, the Ob/Gyn thought I should drink a can of soda before every meal to curb my appetite, and my Mother reminded me about how expensive this was but that is was a prescription from the doctor and we complied. She also gave me synthetic vitamins, which turned into nasty kidney stones as the soda and caffeine turned into migraine headaches of devastating proportions and the sugar into tooth decay that was hurting our budget dramatically as a family. Food was the greatest form of love distributed in my family.
I was determined to heal with food for my own children and I studied, researched, and worked to add various and varied expressions of love to my children so there was not such a limited source.
Geneen Roth lost all of her millions of dollars of investment funds to Bernie Madoff’s Investment schemes. She has done so much work and written about weight issues that she was able to go through the stages of loss to being healing in three days – disbelief, blame, to self-realization. She has now written a new book called LOST AND FOUND: Unexpected Revelations About Food and MONEY. I bought it on my KINDLE right away and was driven to read it in one afternoon.
I am at the self examination phase once again – still working on detaching myself from the old patterns and not wanting to believe that my financial situation is my responsibility after all my work and labors of trying to do everything right. I have invested so much energy – it is not fair.
Roth was a happy person again in 3 days because she has taught and completed the work. She now needs to detach from her things and recognize the lessons her parents gave her about money. She can stop buying things to get attention and love. She is watching her friends, who were invested with her in the Madoff schemes move in with their children or into friend’s garages – even going back to work after years of retirement. She has to learn about her need to not give anything away.
I on the other hand need to stop beating myself up for having given everything away – all the time. For not caring for “me” enough to hold on to more and demand appropriate pay for the work and energy I gave to each position I held. I have to realize that I have not loved myself enough or thought I was worthy – I think of myself as a burden, so I make it easy for other’s to endure me. I will not be satisfied until I have totally let go of everything and thus my physical plant is holding on for dear life.
I have worked for money all of my life. I did little jobs for nickels and dimes until I was 12. When I turned 12 I did regular childcare jobs, picked produce on farms, raked leaves, cleaned houses because I purchased all of my clothing except shoes and outerwear; spent my own money on entertainment and nearly every penny I made went to pay for college and graduate school. I was repeatedly told I would always have nothing and be poor, because I spent money on movies and doing things for friendship (sometimes buying friends).
I did extra jobs when my children were little so they could have camp, theater experiences, music lessons, and trips. I did not give it to them; they had to do their half of the fundraising.
As a parent, I was supposed to take care of all medical expenses and learning specialists; I did it.
So now I must start again, first sorting out so that I know that I am worthy and that I am paid for those labors of love and energy. All the heaps of bad news, criticism, blame and no’s are allowing me to hold on and not release….I have not surrendered
…I am exhausted with holding on and keeping at it….my body is wearing out and yelling at me…I am still laboring at it – hopefully not in vain.
These are my life lessons and I have been fervently praying through Lent for some answers I needed and it looks like I am getting replies. Have you wished for something and gotten it? Do you believe you must be careful of what you wish for, because you just might receive it?
I Cannot Detach Myself
Dawn and release
Kindle 2 and 5 things I love about it
A reminder: there are two book” give aways” happening on Patricia’s Wisdom right now:
April 22, 2011 will be the drawing for a copy of the book THE LONG GOODBYE – all you need to do is be from the USA or Canada and leave a comment.
April 28, 2011 The author of the book THE PROCRASTINATION EQUATION is giving away a copy to the best procrastination story or anti-procrastination technique from the comments section.
Can you recommend a book to me that you discovered and enjoyed? Have you made any delightful discoveries as of late? Did you just decide to read something on a whim or suggestion that turned out well? Let’s share