I do a more extensive plan for decade birthdays and usually just instigate some fun activity for my day and review my decade goal; reviewing my progress and making adjustments on the between years. The goal for this closing decade, one year to go, is to be the healthiest I have ever been in my whole life. I then divided up the big goal into manageable steps for each year around the areas of physical health, psychological health, relationship health, spiritual health and the health of my community and my interactions with that community.

A referral to an archived post called Workshop: decisions and change and one can identify that I am using the Diamond mode for this planning process, ‘cause working on something for 10 years is a big deal and what a waste if I just made a jump decision about my life and living. I don’t believe that the journey would be as fun.

I had to write a definition of what I would expect to look like and feel like and be doing to be defined as the healthiest I have ever been in my whole life. I started the decade a year ahead by collecting data for this definition. I had a bone scan which indicated no osteoporosis or arthritis. I had an ultra sound of my GI tract and the specialists identified a Hiatal Hernia and a tumor on my vocal cords. I had a mammogram and a full blood work up. I had my teeth thoroughly checked and cleaned and replaced a damaged filling. I went to an exercise specialist and a dietician and a Naturopath and completed all their tests. Then I started a notebook about my physical self and worked towards a definition of “healthiest” for ten years in advance. Now I have a base line to follow and I have a easy time expressing how pleased the Doctor is to be able to start from this reference point.

I reviewed my car insurance, household insurance, my health insurance, and my investments. I set up a financial/responsibility section in my notebook and began collecting information about me. My partner and I had our wills reviewed and we updated them and made new plans and changes with the children leaving home. And I began to anticipate what our budget would look like and how we would begin making out lives different and the way we interacted with money in the world.

One of the smaller tasks involved looking at the sections called relationships and finances as it was my concern how we redirect our thinking about the Christmas Holidays we celebrate at our house, away from physical gift giving towards an amazing experience of communications and deeper sharing and giving. We are all in agreement that we will keep the magic in the stockings this season, but are open to a new experience which is emerging right before our very eyes.

Then of course there are the unforeseen adventures, opportunities and obstacles which seem to just jump into your living at very short notice. As the children left for college and their own life design, we were more deeply involved in the care of our parents and their needs. Sharp, clear minds are in need even more when bodies begin to fail. This put a new kind of stress on my physical and emotional self I could not have planned for all the responsibility that came into my life I paid a physical toll. And least I forget the new roof, and the broken foot – what a year of water fun it was!

A new evaluation of the definition and now a new plan for achieving the goal over the next year ahead, this included more exercise time, changes in food, more play time, and much more laughter than originally noted in the design.

So I am now, a year and 4 days ahead of time actually planning the celebration which looks like this: I am holding my party for the new decade in Scotland and England for 14 days plus a few not yet worked out. My goal is to see my parent’s family homes in those countries and to see my roots. I also wanted an out of house experience after so many years of being the party who stayed home. I believe one of my daughters will have the funds to go with me and she is quite the English/Scottish history buff so this ought to be a grand experience and just the way I want to celebrate. How much fun is this?

My exercise routine involves 17 hours a week of my time. With each lap of the pool, each mile I walk, I am working on my life and my party for next year. When I see a Blue Heron I say hello in my head and wonder if I will see Heron at my party. When I think I can not finish one more lap in the pool , I wonder if I will go swimming on my journey and know that I am making my body strong for all the walking and stairs I will encounter at my party. I practice remembering people’s names with each new encounter and I enjoy practicing the questions I will ask of the people I encounter today and wonder if my party will have so many smiling faces or homeless or children at play? A wee bit of the celebration is now a part of everyday – Wow a whole year of a party.

When all the guests have gone home, I love to do the dishes and think about all that occurred and what I did and how I prepared. I find myself chewing the cud of the event and enjoying it all over again. I need to say that I am a rather self critical person and I see and scrape the negative of the event first before I work on the positive and this is vital to me. I cut it off. I take that review to heart and begin to evaluate in terms of my new goal for the next decade of my life, including a prayer of gratitude for each and every day and how it unfolded.

I am here in this moment and pleased for the wind, thunder and rain whirling around just outside and I hope that sharing my decade birthday design might inspire some other folks to give it a try. With an intentional plan, reminders and daily practice, I can feel the joy each and every day and I think this makes for a truly grand celebration.

Oh yes, next August, just about this time of year I will have a new decade goal, so I am collecting the data now. GI track is good, no osteoporosis, no arthritis, no cancer, gums and teeth are in fine shape, and eyes are taking it all in with fine style and correction. We are working on the base line and gathering for the next adventure in living.

How do you prepare for your birthday? What is the best gift you have ever given yourself? What is the best gift you have ever received? Are you a jumper, triangle or diamond for these life events?

Post from: www.patriciaswisdom.com

Workshop: Happy Birthday to You

I have written over 200 weddings, officiated over 200 weddings and I stopped counting in 1989 when I reached that number of 200. Here are 10 pieces of information that keep surfacing as questions I am asked about wedding ceremonies.

1. There are several basic kinds of wedding ceremonies and they are: Civil, Religious, Legal Contract, and Common Law.Civil is officiated by an officer of the court such as a judge or Justice of the Peace and usually has a County Marriage license to be filled out, paid for and filed.

   Religious if officiated by a Pastor, Clergy Person, Reverend or a person who gets a certificate off the Internet, and quite often a Marriage License from the County is filled out, paid for and filed. This is not always the case as a number of folks combine this ceremony with legal Contracts or Common Law also.

   Legal Contracts I understand that these are now available on the Internet or in books, but I have only seen Contracts drawn up by Lawyers and they include a definition of what the marriage will be, the relationship to the children, the relationship to ownership of property and what will happen if the contact is to be dissolved. These are extremely detailed documents which are filed with the courts.

   Common Law This ceremony is usually just a “moving in together party” and the folks stay together for at least 7 years ( this state’s requirement if no children), jointly gain ownership of property, maybe have children and they are subject to the rule of law and the decisions of the legal system in their state. These folks have given their rights and responsibilities regarding children, property, and dissolution over to the legal system.

   You may choose anyone of these and are not required to have a Minister or Judge officiate and now in my State your best friend can perform the wedding ceremony and sign the license with no training or tools – one couple was surprised with “You are now married, you can kiss and we can get to the food.” And that was just enough wedding for everyone present.

2. Witnesses for a wedding do not have to be one male and one female. In my state they must be over 18 to sign and they need to know they might be called into court, which has happened to me with a couple who filed for divorce 5 days after the wedding. The court system called me and the judge would not accept the request until they had completed 30 hours of counseling. I would love to tell you they are still married but I just don’t know, they did make it 5 years before I lost touch.
3. Living together is NOT the same as being married. Trust me on this one. I have had countless brides and grooms tell me that they will be fine together because they have lived together for X number of years and I am sure every one of these would say today, “Living together is NOT the same as being married.”
4. You are the consumer of the “wedding” and you need to get your needs met. Be sure that you check the officiant’s philosophy or theology before you agree to a wedding ceremony, read the ceremony before hand. Can you publically stand before your friends and agree to follow those things that the officiant is asking you to agree? What do you believe and what is your public commitment that you want everyone to know? If it is not something you believe or can say yes to, then write your own service or find someone else to write one for you that matches what you believe. More practice in what to do if you think your might hurt someone’s feelings, and we all need practice in how get our needs met and not worry about the other guy.
5. Pre-Marriage and Pre-wedding counseling is absolutely necessary in this day and age and then there are no guarantees. Find a good person who is skilled in these sessions and make them a priority – really they are more important than the dress and pleasing your new mother-in-law.
6. Put only 1/3rd as much effort into planning the wedding as you do into planning for the marriage.
7. Do NOT go into debt for your wedding or put your parents into debt for your wedding. The whole marriage is burdened by that debt and that is a recipe for disaster.
8. Don’t be persuaded to do something just because it is tradition or it’s important for you to keep peace with someone. Know what you value and what you want to say publically about your commitment – if all those other ideas are so important let those people have their own ceremony or re-commitment ceremony or be committed and if they truly care – they will let go and just look for your happiness. Movie Stars are paid entertainer and fashion models – do you want an imitation of what an entertainer thinks is important for starting a marriage?
9. Know that nothing is perfect and something will go wrong and that will make a lasting memory, so do you want the “wrong” thing to show people how well you handled it and got back to your joy and enjoyment or do you want everyone to talk about how drunk the guests were and how they interrupted the event? (Alcohol and drugs are not required items to make an event beautiful and joyous – though we oft times forget that tidbit of wisdom these days)
10. Everything that you do to prepare for your wedding ceremony and marriage-> find the positive and access the joy. Yes, you and your partner will be learning about disagreeing and problem solving but keep coming back to the joy; it’s always there you just have to keep it in mind!

Post from: www.patriciaswisdom.com

Workshop: 10 things you should know about weddings.

Summer called me on the telephone because she had come home and found that someone had been in her bedroom and things were all shifted around and different from how they had been left for her day away.  She was very upset and found a stain on her new bedspread and it appeared to have been freshly washed and the bed remade. She was quite sure, by the smell, that her roommate’s unneutered male cat had sprayed someplace within her room also (she had left the door closed and strict orders that the cat was to stay out after a previous spraying incident shortly after her move into the apartment). While Summer waited for Anna to come home, she called me to vent her feelings and be prepared to confront Anna about what had happened to her new bedding and room.

The venting session went on for about 15 minutes, in that time I was able to clearly discern 4 basic ideas that were making up the overview of the situation.  I asked Summer if these were the areas of concern for her:  1) that the cat had gotten into her room and sprayed the bedding,  2) that Anna had lost her trust because she had let the cat into her room and had washed the new bedding without Summer’s knowledge and then not informed her,  3) that having an unneutered male cat that was spraying the apartment  was not humane pet care or sanitary, and 4) that by Anna not letting the landlord know she had a cat or by not paying the pet deposit the situation was leaving Summer responsible and accepting of this disrespect of the owner, the contract, and her  property.

Summer felt heard and relieved that we could pinpoint these 4 areas of concern so clearly.  She still did not want to have Anna upset and angry with her if she told the landlord and she did not want to have the continued problem and more ruined clothing and bedding. Summer’s first response was to call several other apartment complexes in town and look on the Internet to see if she could break her lease and move somewhere else and still stay within her budget.  This might make Anna even angrier with her as they both are on very tight budgets and had to really work to get a lease arrangement that would work within their schedules and they enjoyed each other’s company.  It was the darn cat which was making the problem.

Together we research and read over the list of basic human needs and identified those needs which were not being met and were important for Summer in order to remain in the apartment and on her tight budget. The needs were: Order and Cleanliness, Trust and Respect, and Communication and Connection.

By the time Anna arrived home, Summer was able to say this to her about the events of the day:
When I came home this evening, I found that my bedroom had been changed around and the bed remade, I could smell cat spray in my bedroom and through the apartment, I did not find a note or an explanation, and I have learned that I will be at fault (complicit) if the landlord finds out you have a cat and did not get permission or pay the deposit.

Summer continued by saying, my needs for cleanliness, trust and having friends over (will not come because allergic to cats and hate the strong odor)are not being met,  would you be willing to tell me what happened today and help me figure out how to get my needs met?

Anna was taken aback and shared right away what had happened during the day.  She had been excited because the new router for the Internet had finally arrived and they could have Internet access. Anna had gone into Summer’s room to make the connections on her computer and get them up and running. While there she had left the door open and her cat had come into the room, she did not know that the cat had sprayed her room, but in trying to get the cat out she had spilled a glass of orange juice on Summer’s bed.  Anna was upset because she knew it was all new bedding so she had run to the Laundromat and washed everything; the stain had remained and she was hoping if she made the bed differently Summer would not notice.  Anna felt very badly.

The two together worked out what they would do to correct the concerns and get needs met.  Anna would take the cat to her mother’s home while she was working out of town for about 10 days and she would take the comforter to the dry cleaners and try to get the spot out (I can report this worked and the orange juice stain is gone) She would pay for dry cleaning the mattress pad to remove the smell and buy a new one if that process did not work correctly. Anna would keep the cat in her bedroom when she was away and would scour the pooh box daily, purchase a gate for Summer’s room so that the door could be opened for air movement – cat would not be able to get into the room.  Anna would inform the landlord and pay the pet deposit with her next paycheck after her return from her trip and get the cat neutered.  Summer made note that she thought it was not a kindness to try and keep the cat closed in the bedroom all the time.

Summer can report that the requests and plans are being followed so far and is still concerned that her clothing does not smell fresh and nice when she goes to work, but says that the cat smell and pooh box smell has decreased as you enter the apartment.  She is washing all her clothing, shoes and cleaning her room. Summer will clean the whole apartment when Anna leaves with the cat.

She wishes Anna would inform the landlord about the cat and her intentions before she leaves for her trip and will see if that happens.  Summer is worried that she will be financially held responsible for the cat messes and is both pleased with the actions taken and optimistic that it will work out in a good fashion.  Both Anna and Summer were pleased not to have a “fight” with huge lingering feelings wandering around and were please with the process and the progress being made.

The format I used was from Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communications, A Language of Life  The list of needs are found on page 54 and 55 and I find the book a valuable resource to have near at hand.

The names have been changed and part of this process was done through emails and chat from off my workshops page of my website and part of the process was completed on the phone.  Venting one’s emotions is an important part of the process but they do not truly need to be vented on the person or animal that is the object and sometimes work out better if they are not.

I hope this was helpful and if so please make a comment and let me know – same goes for if it was not helpful.  I would appreciate your comments.

Post from: www.patriciaswisdom.com

Workshop: Roommate Conflict to Problem Solving

I love to write and yet still found myself floundering in figuring out what I was going to say about this subject. I spent 2 pages summarizing all the things I learned in the lecture series and then another 2 pages summarizing my research and still had no thoughts about what to say about my own conclusions.

I started to draw a picture of all the words that were included in the summaries and I noticed that if I gave the words different sizes that a form was taking place. A triangle balanced on point was the first shape. I then took the shape and added another shape of words on top of the widest part of the triangle and a Diamond shape emerged. I had put 2 forms to indicate 2 kinds of processes that are used to make a decision or change… hmmm! Let’s look at those words and forms:

Now I had created two forms which summarized all the information I had learned about change and decision making and put them into a simple step by step format for moving forward. Except that I was missing out on one kind of decision making change process that is either a joy or a problem. I wanted to pass this paper so I needed to figure out how to symbolize the process for little decisions and ideas. First I called it the $10 decision: If you did not need your $10 in your pocket to pay some other bill, then you could jump in and make a spontaneous decision on something you found to enjoy for $10. I decided I would call that the JUMP decision.

The hard part about the JUMP decision is that it is only good for those little choices that you can cover easily. If you don’t have $10 extra and spend the $10 in your pocket in a jump decision it throws all your bigger decision off balance – you lose the point of sharpness of your other decisions. It is the type of decision that ruins the best laid plans, the New Year’s resolution and family budgets in just a split second. It can cause a halt to a whole lifetime of future decisions too.

I have used these three models over the past 40 years of practice and work endeavors. I have used these models to set up budgets and help institutions make change. The only time they fail me is when I throw a JUMP decision into the Triangle or Diamond at the wrong place and throw the whole plan off balance.

The first week of May I went to a workshop on how Institutions make change and progress. Guess What! Though the language/words used were in the context of the institutions needs, after two hours, I came away with the Diamond, the Triangle and the JUMP decision/ change process.

Here is an example of a 17 year old boy working on the Diamond Decision Making Model

1. Idea – what will I do with the rest of my life or life after High School?
2. Creating Possibilities:
   I could: become a mechanic
   go to college
   be a Doctor
   become Peter Pan and never grow up
   join the military
   travel
   hang out with friends
   drink beer – as soon as I turn 21
   get married
   perform in a rock band
   be an actor
   take a career interest survey
   work at fishing
   become a millionaire
   become a parent
   invent video games
   just be a gamer
   (the possibilities might just be endless)
3. Researching possibilities
   take a career planning survey
   take an interest survey
   lists your strengths and weaknesses
   ask your friends what you should do
   visualize you in 5 years in 10 years
   how will you pay your way? include health ins./ living expenses/ food/ shelter/ clothing
   I will take a class on how to make decisions
   I will look at trade school and colleges
   Go to the military recruiters but not until the last minute and if that is my choice
4. Interviewing People
   an important step: will his parents be able to help with college expenses? or help write grants
   will he find his personality is not compatible with his interest – vocation choice vs hobby choice
   can he do a work experience or Internship in that area and see if that is what he likes
   do other people have good ideas about fund raising for this kind of training
   suggestions for training programs
   many business will pay for your education if you prove to be a good employee
   give other suggestions and encouragement for the process
   what have they found to be true in living out their life or career
   information interviews with people living life in the path you would like to take or on a specific job
5. Sorting and Gleaning the Ideas
   very hard process and often takes some alone time or journal writing time
   very often some little magic will happen at this point in your life
   the answer will just come to you when it is right and many things will just fall into place.
6. The Decision and the Changes will take place
   Then you start the process and go through the Triangle or Diamond model again to get launched.

This is just one example but just think what might happen if people made a jump decision at 17 and discovered they were now going to be a parent? or they just bought a car they can not make payments on? or they bought a house without figuring out that the promises were not real? (A lot of folks just did this – the current mortgage crisis) Got to watch out for those Jump Decisions!

Post from: www.patriciaswisdom.com

How We Make Decisions and Changes

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Get Started… Check out the Patricia’s Wisdom Workshops!

Post from: www.patriciaswisdom.com

Begin It Now ~ Goethe