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CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDENCEY: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You ~Darlene Lancer

“SHAME. The torment you feel when you’re exposed, humiliated, or rejected.  The feeling of not being good enough.  It’s a deeply painful, universal emotion, yet is not frequently discussed.  For some shame lurks in the unconscious, undermining self-esteem and destroying confidence, leading to codependency on others.  These codependent relationships – where we overlook our own needs and desires as we try to care for, protect, or please another – are often covering up abuse, addiction, or other harmful behaviors.  Shame and codependency feed off one another, making us feel stuck, never able to let go, move on, and become the true self we were meant to be.”  (From the book cover)


CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDENCY is a good self-help book authored by a family therapist who has years of work in this area of change and development. I liked the style of the writing, it is not preachy or overbearing expertise, rather it is carefully thought out and simply worded so that any reader could find some new knowledge and information about themselves. The demonstrating stories for the steps explored are relevant and understandable; they complete the point and observation.  The format is pleasing with some clear explanation of what might be causing recurring or “stuck” behaviors followed up with some very simple exercises that even young adults can follow and implement without years of therapy or experts.

I believe that CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDENCY could be used in adolescence classrooms as a work book with a teacher attached. Young people a could identify areas where they might be stuck and frustrated in their independence moves and have a resource to remind them when they might need some help in the future.  Shame is also about all those crazy tapes that repeat in the mind, about how foolish one is or how “ugly” they might be, and how we react to those reoccurring mind words.   I have never met a person who has not felt humiliated at some point in their life; it can be reassuring to know one is not alone and have a few tools to change the way one is thinking.

I believe many woman could benefit from owning this resource as so many get isolated at home tasks or taking care of others and may need their thinking refreshed rather than reaching for  a cupcake, glass of wine, or anti-depression medication.  A little mental exercise towards releasing old ideas and maybe deleting despair and moving forward to opening up new ideas and ways to proceed.

The book was a nice refresher course and it helped me dust off some old techniques that I learned over the years.  I was having dental surgery while reading this book, and feeling a big sense of shame over how much my teeth and jaw repair was costing.  My parents were both teachers and proud that my brother and sister had no cavities, whereas they were rather angry about how my pitted teeth dug into the family finances; I just was not taking enough responsibility for their care.  Even though I now save money for healthcare and have dental insurance, when I heard how much my recent co-pay would be all those old messages of failure came up to play a tune – I had failed to do enough! CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDANCY just might be a great companion to keep on your shelf or nearby for relief.   It could be a great sleep aid for those who worry all night long – have a glass of water and do an exercise from the book and get some rest.

The eight steps:

  1. Find Your True Self
  2. Uncover Your Shame
  3. Find Your Shame’s Roots
  4. Disarm Your Shame
  5. Confront Your Shame
  6. Share Your Shame
  7. Build Your Self-Esteem
  8. Love Yourself

tlc logo  TLC Online Book Tours  and HAZELDEN Press sent me an unproofed copy for review and I am very happy to have been on this tour and enjoyed reading this book

“Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a licensed family therapist with over twenty years of experience working with individuals and couples.  She regularly lectures on self-esteem, codependency, and addiction.  Author of Codependency for Dummies and 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, she has also published numerous articles.“

Darlene Lancer Blog 

Related:
Little Failure
Mind Without A Home
The Isolation Door 
I Never Promised You a Goodie Bag

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9 Responses to “CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDENCEY: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You ~Darlene Lancer”

  1. Sara Says:

    Patricia,

    I liked what you said: “I believe that CONQUERING SHAME AND CODEPENDENCY could be used in adolescence classrooms as a work book with a teacher attached.”

    I believe if we addressed these earlier in a child’s life, we’d find happier adults. As the author uses a school example to show shame, it seems a perfect place to start and maybe even the earlier the better.

    Sometimes I think it is such a shame we focus so much on teaching reading, writing and arithmetic, we forget to deal with the psyche of our children and it will play a very significant role in their future lives.

    I wish the author had allowed at least one example of an exercise in the Amazon preview. Personally, I’ve done a lot of reading about this subject, but it was your comment about the exercises that drew me to check it out. But that’s just me. Your review was very well done:~)
    Sara recently posted..SPC: Do you see what I see?My Profile

    Patricia Reply:

    Sara,
    Thank you for your kind words. The book is very well done and I believe there are exercises in the preview and see that the author has come by to say the same thing.

    I found this book very helpful as I was recovering from my dental surgery and have shared it with a group of teachers also. I found it useful in counseling folks at a memorial service this past weekend.

    A valuable tool in understandable language.
    Patricia recently posted..THE DRAGON’S PAWN: The Canaanshades Journey Book 2 ~Mitchell S. KarnesMy Profile

  2. Darlene Lancer, LMFT Says:

    Sara, there are a lot of exercises in the preview, pp. 20-21 and p. 48.

    Patricia Reply:

    Thank you Darlene for such a fine book and for coming by to respond to comments and have the answers
    Patricia recently posted..THE DRAGON’S PAWN: The Canaanshades Journey Book 2 ~Mitchell S. KarnesMy Profile

  3. Laurie Buchanan Says:

    Patricia – This sounds like a book that many of my clients could benefit from. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on it here.

    Patricia Reply:

    Laurie,
    I think it is valuable resource for all of us. Well written and understandable.

    Getting someone to do the exercises – that maybe another story!

    Yes, very good for client use
    Patricia recently posted..THE DRAGON’S PAWN: The Canaanshades Journey Book 2 ~Mitchell S. KarnesMy Profile

  4. Darlene Lancer, author of Conquering Shame and Codependency, on tour July 2014 | TLC Book Tours Says:

    […] Thursday, July 17th:  Patricia’s Wisdom […]

  5. Heather J. @ TLC Book Tours Says:

    I’m glad you found this book to be helpful and informative. Thanks for being a part of the tour!

    Patricia Reply:

    Heather J
    Very good book – hope it goes far and wide
    Patricia recently posted..THE DRAGON’S PAWN: The Canaanshades Journey Book 2 ~Mitchell S. KarnesMy Profile