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graduationI woke up angry this morning and I just jumped out of bed and figured out why.  I was angry because I was clear headed and I knew exactly what was making me seethe.

I am furious at women especially those women who keep putting other women in their place.  You know those middle class women who think they are doing good and funding a few scholarships for women and the poor.  Yes! They might even host a jumble sale or serve at a soup kitchen and think they are doing “good”.  And yet!  When push comes to shove they always can find a reason not to support another woman or to be prejudiced against a woman succeeding.  They too are always pointing out women who have succeeded as examples and then they casually snuff out any possibility that she just might be smart and capable without sexing her way to the top, cheating, or just being the meanest.

There is always that moment when you know they are complying with the rules.

I am furious at men especially those men who do not even see the women and minorities in their view.  You know, the ones who get a bump in the night or shins that they are not being open or affirming or maybe not even aware of their constituents or customer base.  When they feel the bump they ask someone else to fill the coffee pot and find them some tokens to bestow their energy upon.  Then whenever they sense that someone else is noticing they haul out their handful and display them as small and blingy.  They never see any woman or minority as anything other than their private expectation, even though they make paternalistic gestures and let their wife do the talking.

On a personal level I am furious for my daughter.   I am exhausted and fat with being furious about my own life experiences, and I will not allow those nasty awful moments to happen to my eldest daughter without speaking up and calling it out.

I am furious about my daughter’s undergraduate university.  I sent a bright, talented, beautiful assertive young woman to them and she paid all but about $1,000.00 of her way through student loans.   She won award after award, she got top honors in math, computers, and engineering and I went to the school to see her win these awards.  What I noticed was there was no money awarded with her certificates.  NONE.  She got to grade all the papers for the faculty because she was so talented, she got to set up their computer labs and instruct the others.   They did not present her to the big name companies at graduation. NO, not at all, they did not help her job hunt in the least and so she got another huge loan and went to get an animation certification at the Vancouver Film School in Canada.  Still no job offers came in for all her efforts and for all the foot work. It was very expensive.

As a matter of fact, it was her younger sister’s disability-career counselor at her university who connected the eldest with her present University Job in San Francisco.

This past spring I went to applaud loudly as she walked across the stage to receive hugs, flowers and praise from the University President, the faculty, and her advisor for her academic achievements and honors for her outstanding work on Campus.   They all came up to tell me she should go on to get her doctorate and what an amazing thinker, writer and worker she was and how she would do so well because of her brilliance. No one failed to mention how beautiful she was.

You know what was missing.  As the other graduate students accepted their Master’s degrees we also heard about the graduate studies fellowship$ they were receiving and the programs and jobs they were headed off to pursue.    I listened to all the folks around me talking about how amazing all the headhunters were to experience and all the wonder FULL offers these other students were receiving.

She received the highest academic honors everywhere she attended.  She worked hard and accomplished amazingly creative pieces of work to share, she made a difference in her program and in her university and she received gratitude for her mastery.  Where were/are the offers?  Where are the graduate school fellowships?  And Why are they not forth coming?

Is it because she did not wear a sequined colored robe or hat to the ceremony? Was it because she did not scream and yell and lose interest in other student’s awards and honors?  No, she cheered them on and was enthusiastic for each of their efforts.

It is true she does not talk a great deal, she just moves forward and does her best and problem solves and gets the job completed with creative skill and finesse.

Do women’s educational organizations come forward and say, wow this is a gorgeous, talented, smart young woman how can we make a difference and help her, how can we track down funds to assist her in meeting her goals and needs?  NOPE. They tease her about not having a boyfriend and getting married.  They suggest she should buy a house, which would be a good investment, not remembering that she has paid every penny of her own way and still has lots more to pay before she is done.

And her math genius and computer know-how seem to make those men and boys very insecure.

So here is my question to you: Where or Who is the best coach/agent/ head hunter in this academic arena whom I can hire to get her into Stanford or MIT and their doctoral programs?  Where are the grants for funds for these programs?  And where are the funds to pay off her undergraduate and graduate programs right away?   I could also use a good grant writer, because although I have great luck at getting funds for other people’s gifted daughters, I am not having luck for my own child.

There I have said it, the fury is released.  Can you pass this along to someone who might be helpful on this quest?

If you purchase anything from Amazon or Powell’s from this site I will receive a few beans in my bucket.  Thank you.   Donations are greatly appreciated.

Related Reading:
Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake
Camel Pirouette
Vivaldi’s Four Seasons Kind of Woman

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11 Responses to “Anger”

  1. Terrill Welch Says:

    Patricia I wish I new the answer to just one of your requests. How frustrating and heartbreaking for you and what a lose for our society of the opportunity to benefit from the talents of your daughter! I hope your call out to your network produces some answers.
    Terrill Welch recently posted..What do original paintings of Emily Carr, A.Y. Jackson, Lawren Harris and Terrill Welch have in common?My Profile

    Patricia Reply:

    When she was at the Vancouver Film School there were folks all over the place wanting her talents and abilities but to go to the school she had to sign an agreement that she would not work in Canada or take a job that could go to a Canadian citizen. Now it is years later.

    I met a woman several years ago who got her Doctorate in Research Psychology by selling shares to people in her home town of Atlanta – if she did not finish she would have to pay them back what they donated. By the time she got to her 2 nd year, there were lots of offers and fellowship money coming in because Harvard was promoting her work and expertise.
    Patricia recently posted..AngerMy Profile

  2. Galen Pearl Says:

    That is frustrating indeed. I’m sorry that you and your daughter are going through such a disappointing experience. I saw a great sermon by Joel Osteen in which he talked about “another ingredient coming.” One of his lines is “It’s not happening to you. It’s happening for you.” As the Bible says, all things work together for good. Good luck to your daughter–she sounds like a remarkable young woman. I’m sure it will work out for her.

    Thanks, by the way, for the Amazon review!

    Patricia Reply:

    Your book is wonderful and a I hope it is a terrific fund raiser for the autism home, it was my pleasure.

    I am sorry you had a hard time getting past the captcha code. I hope we have the problem worked out now. 3 years ago I did a book review which had the word ab—tion in the title. The PROLIFE SEO machines just kept crashing my site until I put the code on – Now I am also getting a lot of sex spam so the code helps to keep me on line. It is inconvenient and sometimes problematic

    I try to think that something better is coming and that is why I am not having success at my efforts and endeavors, but these are the same excuses and noises that I was given 40 years ago…If you can pay you can play…
    Maybe I was wrong to insist that my children pay their bills and be responsible…

  3. Laurie Buchanan Says:

    Patricia – Please know that I’ve joined my voice and thoughts in harmony with Terrill and Galen.

    Patricia Reply:

    Thank you – I am working on not letting frustration dampen my spirits and enthusiasm . It is always good to have some back up support Thank you

  4. Sara Says:

    Patricia — The most difficult times are those involving our children. I feel your anger and frustration. I wish I had the right name to send on to you. My youngest will soon be facing a similar difficulty.

    Hang in there:~) As a parent, I understand very well how we want our children to be seen and recognized for their talents. We want to scream at those who seem to pass them over, but your daughter will find her way!

    You raised her, you gave her strength and now you have trust that she will use the tools you’ve given to climb over the hurdles placed in front of her.
    Sara recently posted..Story Photo: The SingersMy Profile

    Patricia Reply:

    Maybe that is what I am most afraid of – that her outcome will be the same as mine…low paying work and never getting to where you want to go…

    I have had to be the marketing person for my husband all of his career and work at doing that now through the bikingarchitect blog….I always seem to be sharing his virtues and then others are astounded by when finally work with him and he produces amazing, green, energy efficient and stunning designs….

    I guess that is why I want to find a head hunter person, my brother-in-law has had a stunning career because of the organization that he worked with…and companies paid the firm HE did not have to pay a thing….now he is retired

    Why can we not find such a firm to help our children? Although the fellow down the street was picked up and now has a huge fellowship for his doctorate – enough to cover their child care needs and his wife is back at school and they also found him an internship….but they refused us because she does not live in this state….

    I am trying to make the world bigger…and get the word out…
    networking…I think that is the key

    Loved your singers picture…have come by 3 times to look at it again :)

  5. Pat Says:

    Hi Patricia – you have been nominated for the Liebster Award. To learn more about the rules for this award, please go to http://plaintalkandordinarywisdom.com/?p=813. ~~ Congratulations!

    Patricia Reply:

    Thank you Pat,
    I will go to the site just as soon as I am able…Thank you very much and it is a great post…. I have read it…

    I traveled away for a funeral – just now getting caught up…thank you for your patience.
    Patricia recently posted..All Gone: a Memoir of My Mother’s Dementia, with Refreshments ~Alex WitchelMy Profile

    Pat Reply:

    You’re welcome Patricia – hope you’re well and okay from the funeral.
    Pat recently posted..I Have Been Nominated For The Liebster AwardMy Profile