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Peeling Onions

Onion

Onion

I have been very angry and outspoken about the Wall Street Boys Club fiasco and the Health Care Discussions and rhetoric by the NO CLUB.   I thought I had released it and moved on, but no that was not the case.   Yes, I did what I was trained to do, I researched and studied and began to formulate ways to help others who were trapped in fundlessness’ or a healthcare crisis and then began sharing the information with other community leaders and direct human resources professionals.

I had not truly dealt with the facts and feelings, that all that was happening was happening personally to me.

I left lengthy comments on MoneyNing defending myself because I wanted folks to know that I walk my talk and I truly have spent a lifetime not racking up debt or needless medical bills.  I am already doing all of their suggestions and it is not relieving the pressure.   The pressure is the feelings  which I was not understanding and I was resisting diving deep and unpeeling the layers to get to it.

Both of my side jobs stopped producing enough funds to even pay for my cell phone.

Then I read these statements “   People who hurt others are hurting.” And,  “We are all one. It is impossible to reject people unless you believe a story about them.”  on Tess’ blog ,   also I was reading a book for review about letting go and not resisting; the layers just peeled right down to the core.

I had clarity and I had peace of mind.  I no longer needed to be angry.  I could see the truth.

I had not realized how dis-couraging this event was not only to me but to so many others.  Courage comes from the French word for HEART.   The victims had lost heart and been disheartened by these experiences, this is a form of regime cleansing.  When someone attacks another’s dreams, heart endeavors and tremendous amounts of hard work, it takes time to stop feeling the need to defend or attack.  For many, many of us it‘s army of recruits are words of blame.   It is a resistance movement.

These perpetrators are hurting; they are not capable of listening or hearing.

I was rushing around trying to find income from new sources, dropping all the unnecessary expenses and pondering whether or not to cancel my health insurance.   I was frustrated because I was doing all the right things and the financial situation was getting worse.  Since we had dropped all the unnecessary expenses years and years ago, what was I to do for relief?

I needed to come to a complete halt and peel back even more layers, I found that I was upset because I could not prove to my parents that I was not lazy, I could handle and use money responsibly, and manage it well.  This may sound strange because my parents are both deceased.   No matter ,it was still driving me because I wanted someone outside myself to approve of all the ways I had used our funds, of all the rescues I had undertaken, and of all the knowledge and know how I had shared.

When I got to the core – I was able to release.

This is often the painful part of making change – it is human nature to just go as deep as we can remain comfortable and then attempt to quickly move on.

Denial is not just a river.

It takes a great deal of courage to see clearly and then pick yourself up and begin again.

You know what?  If you can ask for assistance a kind of magic begins to happen such as:  JD’s wonderful workshop on Sources of Insight , and 4 soon to be published books coming in for review, and several coaches offering insight, a resume’ writer giving you an update, another offers a spirit guide reading, and a friend offering to actively listen as you sort things out.   One can take stock and see that there is food on the table and the credit card company is willing to lower the interest payment; when one is willing to clarify the emotions, the resistance – anger just melts away.   Life is saucy, life is tasty and the energy is stirred up to discover what is new.

As my partner said about getting all the stitches out of his knees, “The anticipation of the pain was the worst part of the whole experience.  It turned out to be only a small pinch of a feeling.”

I know I need to dig deeper when I just cannot seem to move forward,   how do you know when you need to explore further?   Do you attempt to hold it all in or do you need to let it out?  Does something you read, like Tess’ strong words, assist you in diving deep?

Related Reading:

Embracing this Change
Relocalization
Increase Your Emotional IQ
Understanding An Agenda for a New Economy

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This post was written with the assistance of iMindmap (see sidebar)

25 Responses to “Peeling Onions”

  1. Dot Says:

    It doesn’t sound like denial so much as — as you said — resistance. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You did some good work here. This is exactly the kind of process I go through in therapy. How I know when there’s more work to be done? I usually feel it, or I ask my therapist. She knows.

  2. Lisa@Practically Intuitive Says:

    Patricia,

    Looks like you did some big work that created a shift. That seems to be why things just sort of flowed in. Once you shift the vibration (as you did), then all sorts of things aligned with that vibration show up.

    Hard work and I can see how much it drained you but was replaced with hope and that’s a lovely thing.

    Holding you always in the light. :)

  3. Talon Says:

    Patricia, I love that you take the time to really look inside and see where the emotions are coming from. And why wouldn’t you want approval and acknowledgement? When you’re doing everything you can to ease your situation and it seems to stay the same, impossible not to be frustrated. And yet you find the positive in that and an empowerment in sharing your experiences and helping to ease the mental stress and strain by sharing with others. That’s impressive!

  4. Sara Says:

    Patricia,

    I think you are very courageous to keep digging. It’s hard to do this when you are in a stressful situation. Your mind almost begs to go to denial. I congratulate on the fact that you keep exploring and learning more about yourself and the situation.

    I really liked what you said, “It takes a great deal of courage to see clearly and then pick yourself up and begin again.” This is something we all need to learn. You’re just showing us how to do it:~)
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..Guest Post- The Passport to Travel Home =-.

  5. Patricia Says:

    Major problem in the first PARAGRAPH which changes the meaning…
    Guess IT Girl and Spell checker did not like my newly minted word

    please read:

    FUND less ness not FOOD less ness in the first paragraph…
    We will get it corrected when IT Girl gets home from work…

  6. Patricia Says:

    Dot,
    I was denying I personally had this problem and it was pouring out in resistance words of blame. I could not move forward until I had the clear vision of what I was doing and how my blaming and anger was thwarting my relief efforts.
    It took a great deal of “therapy” from lots of folks to assist me in finding relief…and then it all had to come together in pain to help me move forward.

    How fortunate you are to have a great therapist.

  7. Patricia Says:

    Lisa,
    I find the light a precious commodity – thank you and thank you for all your connections and assistance. I was very painful work indeed, but now I am indeed hopeful.

  8. vered | blogger for hire Says:

    I agree with Talon. You’re doing an amazing job. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to my emotions as deeply as you do. You inspire me.
    .-= vered | blogger for hire´s last blog ..The Last Pancakes Recipe You’ll Ever Need =-.

  9. Patricia Says:

    Talon,
    Thank you, your kind words made me tear up!

    I think Gandhi said something like – be the change you wish to see in the world. He walked his talk and I attempt to do that too..

    or as JD says, play to your strengths Patricia…

    It also helps to get out the vacuum and dust, and wash the floors!

  10. Patricia Says:

    Sara,
    Your words are great to hear and I feel very appreciated for my efforts. Just as you need to express your art with photography my artistic talents reside in being willing to change and use my emotional wellspring to the best of my ability.

    I just never thought I would be at this level of survival again in my life….but that is just wishful thinking and does not slow me down in my efforts.

  11. Patricia Says:

    Vered,
    Thank you for your amazing words….
    All of my life I was told I was too emotional and I needed to learn control myself.

    I greet the world with my emotions just like the famous psychologist Karl Jung….my greatest strength is to understand and use those emotions to be successful in my living….and my blogging community just seems to be open to assisting me in getting them out and learning from them.. making them work for me…

    We each have one dominant trait that we lead into the world with…. There are 4 of these traits as defined by Jung and I use these popular words to express them:
    Control
    Promoter
    Supporter
    Analyzer

    There are tests to help you identify your dominate trait and then how you use the other 3 ….but most folks know which they are..
    If you learn to use your dominant trait well, your life will be more richly spent….. ( I am a Promoter who has lived my life as a supporter…..my dominant expression is through emotions)

    I do not market and advertise well…I am the ideas person who inspires..:)

  12. Tony Single Says:

    Patricia, it seems to me that you have absolutely bent over backwards and twisted yourself inside out in order to deal with this financial crisis that you’re in. That’s why I get mad at people who find it all too easy to sit in judgement, pointing at this piffling little thing and that piffling thing and, ignoring your efforts, saying, “You’re not doing enough” or “You’re not doing it right” or “Well, you must have done something to deserve this!”. Makes my blood boil it does. So judgemental and unfair! :(

    But, hark at me, I’m gettin’ all judgemental myself at the unfair attitudes of folks who’ve probably got their own struggles to contend with. Perhaps they just hide them better, and I haven’t learned how to? So, yeah, while I might not be in dire financial circumstances (thankfully), I can certainly relate to the feelings you’ve been going through. I’ve always wanted to be accepted by certain folks in my life whether they’re actually in it or not. It’s a big weakness of mine.

  13. Patricia Says:

    Tony,
    I appreciate your comments and good words. I needed to express this to model how to make change and although I am no where near being out of the danger zone financially – I am now able to move forward on my own steam, just because I was able to let go of my judgments of the financial marketeers and politicians. I was responding to those who are unfeeling and hurting in their own little worlds but do not understand what is outside of themselves.

    I am a bit judgmental in that when I get in trouble I have to dig ditches and the big banks and financial king pins are not being asked to walk in my shoes…as a matter of fact all evidence points towards the idea that they are still working with phantom money until they think they have it all. They are the ones hurting.

    I should have had an inkling about this and changed my plans earlier because one financial group, about 6 years ago, was fined heavily and they paid their fines through their senior investor’s funds thinking they would not notice. My mum’s accounts they took out nearly $100,000 US and I figured it out – changed my mothers’ holdings and found her a new broker….My broker thought she had figured it out too, but not how deep it was going to get. These folks never reimbursed my mum’s funds, she nearly ran out before she died, and the court case just drags on and on and on….

    Also I am so surprised that my neighbors do not know that we are paying the Enron legal fees for that theft of energy/power and electricity from all the folks in the Northwest USA….People do not look at their bills and statements to understand what is going on…. folks are assuming way too much…One must know and understand who is on their payroll.

    When a CEO makes 400 times what the worker makes – we should all jump up in arms and stand against them….our politicians are afraid that the people will do just that…

    Because I am so vocal about these issues, maybe why we are not getting any work….because I am attempting to educate the little guy and protect children and bring folks back “home”

    I have to stop attacking myself, be as honest as I want others to be and move forward. I do not use banks that go against people and children…..I am working on getting out of AT&T because they are using their profits to hurt individuals all around the world – but especially here….

    I have to use my emotions to produce my strength and power, to protect the most vulnerable…and that is what my faith and my schooling has trained me to do….

    One of my greatest strengths is being KIND….it assists me in relaxing my own judgments and actually producing results.

    I just can not write such poetry as you do….Wow you take my breath away with your writing and make me laugh with your humor…how powerful is that?

  14. suzen Says:

    Hi Patricia! Nope, no duct tape on you! haha! There are times to let it rip, kiddo. It’s therapy. It’s necessary. And in the long run it helps you to see the absurdities and the programed deep deep responses we have. Peeling the onion – that’s brilliant. I’ve had a time or two when I’ve totally hit bottom and the realization that it was “ok” to ask for help was like a damn Epiphany! Help is all around us, so is love!

    I’m a journal junkie. So when I get troubled over anything, that’s the first thing I do – write it all out and let it be ugly, really ugly. If I’ve spent enough time on this, I re-read it for perspective (if possible) and very often the answers I am looking for come spilling out of the pen. Of course our answers are always there – like the help, and the love – but we get caught up in our own drama and that helplessness thing takes over.

    Whatever I can do to help you do not hesitate to ask. There is great love for you here!
    Hugs
    suZen
    .-= suzen´s last blog ..Fluoride – or – Another F word! =-.

  15. Patricia Says:

    Hi Suzen,
    I too am a journal junkie and have used one for years…I think it puts me in survival mode…No duct tape on me – it’s true…
    except for on my ankle to keep the energy from all spilling out and falling down when I am speed walking!

    I just do not believe I can be effective in assisting others without digging deep and figuring out what is going on with myself.

    We all have to do the work….and Tess’ words just freed me to let go….recognizing the depth of the feelings we so often ignore the message.

    I can feel the love….and I know that other folks are having a tough time too…
    time to get REAL and grounded

    Yep great love here…
    Thank you

  16. Hilary Says:

    Hi Patricia .. you certainly are digging deep .. I guess being on my own I have to deal with only my things .. but on my own .. I find I need to move forward and not dwell on things past – because it drags me back down .. and I need to get through the period .. I’ve been in these situations and it’s mighty difficult .. it’s staying in the now and asking what’s not right .. we all have so much going for us .. and yet things are tricky and we need to see the rose amongst the thorns and breathe its sweet scent .. not feel the constant prickles ..

    I hope sincerely that things start slotting into place – I feel they will .. and I gather you had rain last night & storms? .. a little birdie up the coast did!

    have a good weekend .. with thoughts – Hilary
    .-= Hilary´s last blog ..Glyphs- Ps and Qs- Murder =-.

  17. J.D. Meier Says:

    It sounds like you’re ready for action and the stage is set.

    The thing that’s tough in life is that we can make “all the right moves” and yet that’s no guarantee that things will fall into place. The best we can do is make the most of what we’ve got, roll with the punches, and when we get knocked down, get up faster, and fight back stronger … and overwhelm our problems with that magical recipe of inspired action.
    .-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Day 26 – Solve Problems with Skill =-.

  18. Betsy Wuebker Says:

    Hi Patricia – I came back to this post because it resonated with me so much, and I had to ruminate on it. :)

    When you get to be the ripe old age that we are, you’re also blessed with being able to look back on the peaks and valleys. I can relate so well to your valley, friend. It’s so much harder to build from scarcity if abundance has seemingly evaporated through means in which we didn’t actively participate. Pete and I have been traveling this road for the entire time we’ve been married.

    I found myself thinking last year, “Okay all of this junk was birthed from circumstances that began almost TEN YEARS AGO with me. It is time to be done with it!” And for some reason, after all the attempts to let go, the gnashing of teeth over what once was and never might be, and on and on, I am finally moving away. Ten years of this junk, cluttering up the emotional landscape, creating literal hardship and other paucity in addition to the financial! Holy Hannah! It’s amazing how varied and layered we all are, as you’ve discovered, because along with all that junk, the joys and promises for a future still conspire toward progress.

    Peeling away the layers, as you are doing, and exposing them to sunlight will indeed help you be more effective in assisting others as you said above. What I have discovered is this: When you have less, little or nothing to lose in the literal sense, you are unfettered. You are free to try anything that seems as though it may work, not only because you have to, but because you are unconstrained by all the associations of your former goods and possessions. With men, in particular, this is hard, because they are so wrapped up in what they have made instead of who they are.

    It is much easier being poor when you are young; you have energy and don’t know any better. But what is missing then, in all but a very few, is the richness of wisdom and experience. And that, dear Patricia, you have in spades. This, perhaps, is meant to be your greatest wealth. I know this may very well be the case with me.
    .-= Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..You Never Know What Someone is Going to Buy =-.

  19. Patricia Says:

    Hilary,
    I was off to a great start in the spring and then found I was just not progressing or getting ahead….I am working are getting on with my life and enjoying each day, but something was dragging/anchoring the progress. I knew I had something unresolved to work on – so I began peeling the layers – also I opened myself up to hear what was being shown me….Tess’ words and reading the book I am reviewing in September and things started to open up even greater until I found my answer and wow was that a great experience and release….I feel like everyday is new and fresh and full of possibility now.

    Even though I am married and still have siblings alive, I needed to realize too that I am alone and making the choices.

    I am now not living in the past!

    Thank you for your wonderful words – I also feel so connected to folks through blogging.

  20. Patricia Says:

    J.D.
    Yep I think I am now ready to go and progress forward and I think I will be back working on your Agile Results course by next week.

    I just spent a great deal of time spinning my wheels and I could not figure it out all summer. Peeling back I could release those old emotions, wow was that a powerful experience. I think those of us who lead into life with our emotions need a complete lube job now and again, not just the basic oil change.

    I do feel tuned up and ready to get going.

  21. Patricia Says:

    Betsy,
    Thank you for returning and sharing your ponderings – It adds a richness and a depth that I surely do appreciate.

    I felt this incredible freedom when my mother died – it was powerful and hard to describe to anyone. I was sad yes, but I felt free. Whereas I was ready to downsize and explore possibilities, my partner is not. As a matter of fact, he is holding on and holding on. I put my energies into creating this blog and helping children learn to read and write.

    When I found myself not being able to inspire folks to stop blaming and move on, as a matter of fact I was enjoying the negative show, I knew I had to figure out what was holding me back…

    I am not afraid to do this work because I can see the positive in the future.

    As a change ARTIST, I wanted to share my journey because I know I am not alone. I know there are folks watching what I do, and model…..
    life is only getting better, and working moment to moment and enjoying the ride is so good.

    Like vegetable soup fresh from the garden.

    You are so wonderful and your ability with words and putting thoughts to paper – awesome.

    thank you for sharing your wisdom and story….are we all not so much more powerful than we can imagine?

    I do think we women have some profound stories to share and learn from. Where is our RED TENT?

    Thank you Betsy – I appreciate your astute thoughts.

  22. Jannie Funster Says:

    Holding it in or letting it out. I guess finding a place where I decide what matters to us me a good place to be. If it does not matter to me it cannot hurt me, and deciding to make it important or not is my choice. I never thought of that before Liara’s blog.

    Life is really so simple at its core — the Earth providing what we need, and us taking care of her, yet along the way as a general race we have amassed so many trappings. If we can release our conditioned ways and live as simply and as Hilary says, in The Now, we will ever be happier and happier.

    Like vegetable soup fresh from the garden — you got it!

    Great work, Patricia. I sense you are ever more at peace.

    xoxo

    P.S. With Kelly starting back to school Monday I am looking forward to continuing back to seeing what’s in those dining room boxes. So pleased with getting our house more organized all the time, sorting through the last of the accumulated things.

    And Thursday I swept AND mopped in a general cleaning frenzy for 5 solid hours — all looking beautiful here.
    .-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..How To Go Viral On Twitter In 15 Easy Steps =-.

  23. Patricia Says:

    Jannie,
    Where ever I worked at being in the NOW, and mindful, this negative energy would pop up and distract me from my next venture and decision. I was not being helpful in my volunteer efforts or my job hunting efforts. I truly feel that to make a change, I needed to release what was a negative burden from the past. I wanted to model the painful parts of making change as a change artist in action and so I shared this event on my blog.

    I think it is a rare individual indeed that does not have some kind of past belief that might interfere with the choices they are making today….I chose to release this and move on…

    Yes Liara does have some great concepts, but it takes practice and I am writing to assist folks in choosing to make those changes and live a more inspired life.

    I too have been gleaning out and cleaning – one of the start points of making change. We have always lived a simple lifestyle but it amazing how much stuff with children has been added to our space.

    My partner is not ready to “let go” – this is a big consideration.

    You are a very busy person, with lots and lots of energy…and that it makes your life and space more beautiful – YES!

    Good for you. Thank you for your neat comments.

  24. Davina Says:

    Hi Patricia.

    I love how you continue to look inside yourself for answers and recognize the CHANGE you are making. I think that is a key to not feeling the need to defend or look for approval outside of yourself. That can keep a person feeling small and it becomes a vicious cycle; the smaller folk feel the more fearful they become and the less they trust themselves (and others, for that matter).

    What stood out here for me, Patricia, was your comment “no longer needed to be angry”. I know you’ve probably heard it said that anger is a mask for fear. The fact that you no longer need to be angry is huge. To me it shows that you are beginning to trust yourself; you are no longer blaming yourself or seeking approval to justify your actions.

    THAT is inspiring! :-)
    .-= Davina´s last blog ..The Fishing Trip =-.

  25. Patricia Says:

    Davina,
    Thank you some rather marvelous words from you – I wrote this piece immediately after I got off the phone from our call, the time before last….
    since I am working on re-inventing myself, I do not think I could accomplish my goals with out peeling back and looking at what is overtly or covertly under the rug….I am writing about true and honest change…not just hair dye.

    thank you….