I have been very angry and outspoken about the Wall Street Boys Club fiasco and the Health Care Discussions and rhetoric by the NO CLUB. I thought I had released it and moved on, but no that was not the case. Yes, I did what I was trained to do, I researched and studied and began to formulate ways to help others who were trapped in fundlessness’ or a healthcare crisis and then began sharing the information with other community leaders and direct human resources professionals.
I had not truly dealt with the facts and feelings, that all that was happening was happening personally to me.
I left lengthy comments on MoneyNing defending myself because I wanted folks to know that I walk my talk and I truly have spent a lifetime not racking up debt or needless medical bills. I am already doing all of their suggestions and it is not relieving the pressure. The pressure is the feelings which I was not understanding and I was resisting diving deep and unpeeling the layers to get to it.
Both of my side jobs stopped producing enough funds to even pay for my cell phone.
Then I read these statements “ People who hurt others are hurting.” And, “We are all one. It is impossible to reject people unless you believe a story about them.” on Tess’ blog , also I was reading a book for review about letting go and not resisting; the layers just peeled right down to the core.
I had clarity and I had peace of mind. I no longer needed to be angry. I could see the truth.
I had not realized how dis-couraging this event was not only to me but to so many others. Courage comes from the French word for HEART. The victims had lost heart and been disheartened by these experiences, this is a form of regime cleansing. When someone attacks another’s dreams, heart endeavors and tremendous amounts of hard work, it takes time to stop feeling the need to defend or attack. For many, many of us it‘s army of recruits are words of blame. It is a resistance movement.
These perpetrators are hurting; they are not capable of listening or hearing.
I was rushing around trying to find income from new sources, dropping all the unnecessary expenses and pondering whether or not to cancel my health insurance. I was frustrated because I was doing all the right things and the financial situation was getting worse. Since we had dropped all the unnecessary expenses years and years ago, what was I to do for relief?
I needed to come to a complete halt and peel back even more layers, I found that I was upset because I could not prove to my parents that I was not lazy, I could handle and use money responsibly, and manage it well. This may sound strange because my parents are both deceased. No matter ,it was still driving me because I wanted someone outside myself to approve of all the ways I had used our funds, of all the rescues I had undertaken, and of all the knowledge and know how I had shared.
When I got to the core – I was able to release.
This is often the painful part of making change – it is human nature to just go as deep as we can remain comfortable and then attempt to quickly move on.
Denial is not just a river.
It takes a great deal of courage to see clearly and then pick yourself up and begin again.
You know what? If you can ask for assistance a kind of magic begins to happen such as: JD’s wonderful workshop on Sources of Insight , and 4 soon to be published books coming in for review, and several coaches offering insight, a resume’ writer giving you an update, another offers a spirit guide reading, and a friend offering to actively listen as you sort things out. One can take stock and see that there is food on the table and the credit card company is willing to lower the interest payment; when one is willing to clarify the emotions, the resistance – anger just melts away. Life is saucy, life is tasty and the energy is stirred up to discover what is new.
As my partner said about getting all the stitches out of his knees, “The anticipation of the pain was the worst part of the whole experience. It turned out to be only a small pinch of a feeling.”
I know I need to dig deeper when I just cannot seem to move forward, how do you know when you need to explore further? Do you attempt to hold it all in or do you need to let it out? Does something you read, like Tess’ strong words, assist you in diving deep?
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This post was written with the assistance of iMindmap (see sidebar)