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I have failed

Hummingbird

Hummingbird

I have failed to choose the correct path to heal our financial situation.  I am making peace with that, and I am letting the tears just run down my cheeks to release the tension and frustration.

I am not a failure.

I feel sad because my children will see my vulnerability and that I am not so potent with my magic wand.  They keep reminding me that I have always pulled it off before – I have always been able to figure it out.

Well, I have it figured out.  I know what I did wrong and I know exactly how I have arrived at this failed accomplishment.  The strategies that worked in other famines worked because I was able to remedy them within six months and they were not accompanied by a National/ Global Economic Depression.

I failed to get a position that would pay for our health insurance and I did not set aside enough money from my inheritance to cover more than 6 months.  I knew it would get expensive but I did not understand how expensive it would become.

Previously, I had more options:  I physically could take on a house cleaning job, or seasonally work for a store or stock shelves all night long;  I could make and sell my organic applesauce….this year the trees did not set very many apples – I have none to eat.

My counseling credentials and registration have been canceled because I failed to get another Master’s Degree in an area that the State has approved.    My Ethics Standards have been upgraded and I have completed the necessary course work, this was not enough.

Book reviews are no longer paid for unless someone purchases a brand new paperback/hard-copy book. And no one is purchasing the Eat to Health and Eat to Live programs off my website.

I could blame.

I could make excuses.

Instead I find myself in a state of deep Gratitude for all the folks who have shared with me and guided me on their blogs, with their comments and with their offers of insight and assistance.

I have tried to say thank you at   A Devine Listener and here at Toadly Tickling my Funny Bone

I will add Karen Swim for showing me how to update my resume and make it powerful and current.

I feel a tremendous freedom to begin again to discover and explore a new dream and fill it with my passion and zest.

I never said that change was a linear process or that it was a smooth ride.

I chose a path that I thought would work as it had in the past.  This choice failed so it is time for a new direction.

A wee postscript:  I am being open to signs that appear in my life – here are two that have just been revealed to me.    After my walk, I was showering and thinking about canceling my dental insurance and about writing about this failure – uncertain as to whether or not I should do either one.   I was rinsing my hair and as I stepped away from the flow of water and opened my eyes there on the wall was a quarter sized giant house spider.   Spiders are the totem for writing and I figured I should write about failure for sure.
Before I began the postscript, I looked out the window to the sunshine breaking through the morning marine layer of clouds and there looking back at me and hovering was a hummingbird.  Hummingbird is the totem for JOY.

How do you handle the situation when something fails?   What are things that work for you for letting the emotions out and making progress?    Know of any job openings?

Related Reading:

Hobo Spiders in your bathtub
Change Artist in Action
YOU 2.0
Delightful Work of Tom Volkar

45 Responses to “I have failed”

  1. Betsy Wuebker Says:

    Good morning, Patricia. I’ve often wondered and written about what would happen if we stripped away all the negative connotations of failure. I think you are very close to doing that with this post. You’ve learned what worked in the past has not worked this time (hello, Mr. Edison, anyone?). I love how you were given signs of what you must do and the reason why you must do it. You must write because it gives you joy, say the hummingbird and the spider. I’m betting a book on the subject of this post would be a great seller. Big hugs to you!
    .-= Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..Knowing What We Know Now =-.

  2. Tony Single Says:

    Patricia, the wisdom of spiders and hummingbirds cannot be beat. And it sounds like you cannot be beat either. :)

    I could say a lot of stuff here, but I think you know me well enough to know that I’m not going to disrespect what you’re going through right now with words that come too easily… and for that, ring hollow.

    Truth be told, I never do handle it when something fails. I put so much of myself into something that when it doesn’t work, I am literally crushed. So, as you can imagine, I have felt like a failure many, MANY times in my life. And yet, like you, I cannot be beat. I guess that’s what you call hope, huh?

    Let the tears fall. No guilt. No shame. And keep on writing. I’ll keep reading. :)

  3. Dot Says:

    That’s an adorable hummingbird.

    I’m not sure you can say that you have failed. The economy has failed and jobs are hard to come by. Planning for it was a guessing game because we haven’t had a recession this bad in our lifetime. My friend Gregory, who had a highly successful realtor business, has been working at Target for a year now and has had to declare bankruptcy. Has he failed? He seems to think so, but I do not.

    Persevere! You have the right attitude. The rest will come. Let the feelings come out, but don’t beat yourself up. None of us could have predicted that this would have happened. Hang in there! (((((Hugs)))))

  4. Talon Says:

    I’m so glad you wrote that you aren’t a failure. We all fail – it’s part of life. Show me someone who hasn’t failed and I’ll show you someone who’s never tried.

    A wise person sees where the mistakes were made and makes new ones next time :)

    And a really wise person sees the beauty in the day-to-day and holds that close. You’re a really wise person, Patricia.
    .-= Talon´s last blog ..Thunder and Moonlight =-.

  5. J.D. Meier Says:

    When you get knocked down, it can be tough to get up again, but that’s why everybody likes an Underdog. It’s a changing landscape and that’s what makes it tough for everybody.

    For better or worse, nothing is permanent — success or failure. That’s why the journey is so important. It’s a path of trials, tribulations, and triumphs.

    It’s why a sustainable approach is so important, and it’s the stuff comebacks are made of. It’s all about testing your results, changing your approach, and writing new stories forward. You’re the author of your life with the ability to create your experiences in ways that empower your.

    If making money is the highest priority, the key is to find models and study the people, patterns, and practices that work. Here are some ideas:
    – Yaro at Entepreneurs-Journey.com
    – Ask an accountant friend for examples of what’s working for other people (accountants do taxes and they get to see what’s working across the board)
    – Compete by playing to your unique strengths/value the Blue Ocean way
    – Find a way that your experience sells — somewhere there is an appetite for your hard-earned know-how
    – Explore creating an information product that you can sell the rest of your life — something that wraps up the best of what you know, in an incredibly valuable way, pinned against a problem that people care deeply about
    – Check out Guru BluePrint – gurublueprintblog.com

    The bottom line is to study success, model it, test your results, and change along the way.

    If it helps to know, for August I’m going to focus on Getting Results the Agile Way, and I’ll be sharing key practices for sustainable results — some of the best ways to get your mind, body, and emotions on your side for your best results.
    .-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Lessons Learned from Dr K on Interpersonal Skills and the Art of Persuasion =-.

  6. Patricia Says:

    Betsy,
    Thank you for your great words, and I used to read a book about Thomas Edison to my children all the time… good to fall back on that model :)
    Tess suggested a writing a book too on another post and even gave me the title…That’s three suggestions…Thank you

  7. Patricia Says:

    Tony,
    I think emotional and artistic types experience and feel a lot more with each failure – by embracing it we gain wisdom and progress – our ideas and art get better and better. We are the lucky ones because we have a way to express it….

    I could attempt to cover up all that is failing with drink or food or drugs…but I just have to use these copious amounts of emotions to move forward….

    My Toady adviser says I am mighty close to GOD….so I think I just better keep working forward

    I am glad you will keep on reading…and commenting…that will keep me affirmed in my path finding…Thank you

  8. Patricia Says:

    Dot,
    I am still walking in there…I am sad but not discouraged. Your little calendar’s quote for the day ” Uncertainty and expectation are the joys of life” William Congreve

    Still working on joy….

  9. Patricia Says:

    Talon-
    Oh I love it “makes new ones next time” :) Yep that is the ticket – I do truly think that I learn more and progress more from my mistakes….
    I grew up with perfectionists and I could never understand why they got so caught up in knots over failure…it does make me sad and I will not be going to the grocery store anytime soon…and I have a whole month to prepare for the next round of bills….

    And look at all the suggestions I am getting in comments this morning….how lucky am I…

  10. Patricia Says:

    JD
    Your comment is like a whole course in picking up one’s boot straps and moving forward….I look forward to your August Lesson plans…

    I am heading out now for one of my last 3 massage therapy sessions, I will have to come back and explore and explore all your suggestions.

    Thank you

    I do think this Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome is truly the pits…and yet it is teaching me the realities of how folks are going bankrupt because of medical problems….DIY health-care still takes time and funds.

  11. Lisa@Practically Intuitive Says:

    What a courageous post, Patricia. Truly. And I agree with everyone else who says not to look on this as *your* failure. It’s a big systemic mess and I kow people are doing the very best they can.

    Continue to trust that there’s a higher reason for this in your life now and that it AND the way forward will be revealed to you. Ask for just your next step. And see what happens.

    Much love,
    Lisa
    .-= Lisa@Practically Intuitive´s last blog ..Does your soul have stamina =-.

  12. vered | blogger for hire Says:

    Would like to try and earn from writing blog posts for others? Let me know and I will send clients your way. I’m turning clients away because I have too much work right now and can’t take on new projects. Most would expect you to know basic SEO.
    .-= vered | blogger for hire´s last blog ..Why Do You Like Me =-.

  13. Jannie Funster Says:

    Maybe that’s why I write and post so often — I have lots of spiders in my house!

    Good you’re looking on the bright side.

    Everything is a wonderful lesson.

    And things always end up better than they were. Always!

    Thanks for sharing your heart.

    There is no failure — just those wonderful lessons and new ways to appreciate the simple joys and beauties of each day.

    xo

  14. Patricia Says:

    Lisa,
    I am just asking about one step at time…one step at a time…and now the resume is getting truly polished and shined…and I see Vered has opened a window here…

    I just came from the massage therapist, who is doing wonders for my Adrenal Fatigue nerve pain…and the ins. company decided they are now going to pay for any of it….because they do not recognize Adrenal Fatigue as a dis-ease or syndrome…out went another $400 and I do not know how I can continue….need those guides and good souls to speak a bit louder at the moment I am shell shocked..

  15. Patricia Says:

    vered,
    I am working on learning SEO, while my IT Girl is not in class right now….do I need to understand tags and HMTL? I can learn these things but I am a slow learner – they are linear and mathematical…I think I could write, I have written for years for non-profits and religious groups…which is paid for…

    Maybe we should chat off line? or email?

  16. Patricia Says:

    Jannie,
    I am keeping an upbeat and IT Girl is IMing me with all the things I have told the kiddos over the years….it is just coming at me all at once and that is a bit overwhelming and the whole thing just makes me sad…
    Now I have to model uplift to my kids and put into practice even more of what I believe…

    Our spiders are acting like fall already and trying to move into the house….giant house spiders are very helpful though leave a lot of web messes behind….they clean up bugs in the house and are non-toxic. The only problem was the 9″ diameter one I found on the toilet lid a couple of years ago….I had never seen one so big….and they are not very attractive…kind of brown rubbery…but they do tell us to write and write…

    Finding the joy in each moment is the true power point.

  17. Robin Says:

    Good luck Patricia

  18. Patricia Says:

    Robin,
    I think it is proving to be a lucky thing…Good luck is in choosing the possibilities that are the right options :_)

    Thank you for coming by and commenting…Hope all is going well for you

  19. Mandy Allen Says:

    Hi Patricia, I have always been fascinated at how differently we all deal with difficulties in our lives. Some roll over and give up, others, like you, cry and let it all out then get back up and get on with life. Good for you! I wish you every success in your journey forward.

    Enjoy the journey.

    Mandy
    .-= Mandy Allen´s last blog ..How do you relax =-.

  20. Brenda Says:

    Patricia, you are an inspiring woman! I like Tess’s idea of the book. You write so well. Can you visualize yourself succeeding…I can…visuazing is like active prayer. I wish you so well.

  21. Dave Says:

    Patricia, I read this yesterday and didn’t know what to say. I can ampathise a little. It’s a despair I’ve felt before and it’s not nice. It seems as though you can already see past your current situation to a brighter future, and future in which you take control. I admire you for that.

    As for Vered… what a fabulous gesture! (Makes me smile a wide smile).
    .-= Dave´s last blog ..The Mona Lisa Million Project – Introducing… Me! =-.

  22. Chris Edgar Says:

    Hi Patricia — it sounds like, to you, there was a deadline by which all these financial goals were “supposed” to be achieved, and then that deadline passed. I can get how that would create anxiety or frustrated resignation. I can also get how much courage it took to admit this on your blog. And then, at the end, it sounds like you saw, to some extent, that this deadline that has you all wound up is kind of arbitrary, and in fact you have a lot more freedom than you’d been thinking when you started writing the post.

  23. Julie Says:

    Patricia, it’s difficult being in these kinds of situations and feeling so vulnerable. But I see such strength in you, and a lot of determination, and a bushel basket full of wisdom, too. And I love how you find messages of hope in your totems. :) With head high and your eyes ever forward, you will find even greater peace than you’ve already awarded yourself. It is there. Hugging you… ~Julie
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..In Others Words- 3 =-.

  24. Patricia Says:

    Mandy Allen,
    If I just keep in the present tense I seem to be okay and staying positive – I need to read your post about relaxing for sure….I have overcome this kind of situation many times, just not with so large a package of woe to deal with – I have a good history with recovery. Thank you for you good an uplifting comments.

    Brenda,
    Thank you for you kind words about my writing, I did gravitate to Tess’ suggestion about a book and loved her title….I have had several people tell me I am going to write a book – I have been working on a Book of Days – inspiration….a step at a time, and yes! I do visualizations and affirmations…in butterfly pose this morning I was actively seeing money arriving in my mailbox and writing the check to pay off the credit card!

  25. Patricia Says:

    Dave,
    You are such a super supporter and I thank you so much…Yes that was a fabulous offer from Vered and I have been busy working on learning Tags and SEO on line – IT Girl says she will help me too…
    Thank you for coming back and saying something – greatly appreciate your good words. I have been here before – I can do it again.

    Chris,
    Thank you for your great sorting and clarifying – it is much appreciated. Rather than a deadline, that which pushed the edge close was filling up my credit card and arriving at the moment where I can either pay for my health insurance (and not go to the Naturopath any more DIY health-care all the way) or I can purchase food. The office then did not get the big new project ….everything just reached a peak….

    I did my yin-yoga on my own this morning…it was productive prayer and uplifting :) Referring to your fabulous book…once again

  26. Patricia Says:

    Julie,
    Thank you for your strong words and support….I am down another 4 pounds so I am almost on a daily basis still appreciating your good words and suggestions along the way. I am working on not driving myself and working from the inner wisdom and survivor strength I know that is inside….

    Having the ins. company not pay for the prescription massages yesterday was almost unbearable…but now after a number of phone calls I think I have their new system of billing worked out and I know how to handle it….I keep seeking and healing….
    The massages were getting all the inflammation out and truly making room for health to enter – so another sad thing…but I can figure this out.
    Now I need to keep studying how to do SEO and tags…so I can write for some pay!

  27. suzen Says:

    Hi Patricia! I love how you are finding messages in nature – and looking forward! That’s all we can really do isn’t it? I try not to use that “f” word – not even if my thoughts – though godonlyknows I am well acquainted with it! Sending hugs!
    suZen

  28. Barbara Swafford Says:

    Hi Patricia,

    As I was reading your post, I thought, “this couldn’t have been an easy message to share”. Then I read all of the comments, and it’s obvious lots of love, support and good vibes are headed your way.

    I think it’s easy to feel we’re a failure when things don’t go according to plan, but one thing I’m always reminded of is “when God closes one door, He opens another” – which is usually better than we could ever imagine.

    Somehow, someway things will work out. Believe and keep the faith. I’m sending ((hugs)) your way. :)
    .-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..Lose Weight While Blogging =-.

  29. Joanna Paterson Says:

    Patricia, this is such a tough headline and opening line but your post and the imagery contained within it is full of energy and spirit. Full of it.

    I feel for you… wish I had bright or practical ideas… they don’t immediately come to mind, other than that the hummingbird is most definitely telling you something x
    .-= Joanna Paterson´s last blog ..Don’t be Daunted by the Blank Page =-.

  30. Kim Woodbridge Says:

    Things are hard right now – so many people are struggling and there is very little security and certainty. I don’t think you have failed – you’ve done the best that you could under adverse circumstances and have now realized that you need to make a change.

    My thoughts are with you.
    .-= Kim Woodbridge´s last blog ..Stick to a WordPress Posting Schedule … Or Not =-.

  31. Tess The Bold Life Says:

    Patricia,
    Feel your pain and be gentle with yourself. Keep putting one foot in front of the others.
    .-= Tess The Bold Life´s last blog ..Endless Summer Memories =-.

  32. Patricia Says:

    Suzen,
    Many thanks for the hugs – I find I have to tell myself the hard truth of a matter in order to separate out the feelings and get moving forward again

    Barbara,
    Thank you for the hugs…all the comments are so full of hugs and support – it helps to revive my spirit and get the wheels clicking again. And Vered got me working on learning SEO and tags again! I am so appreciative

    Joanna,
    Thank you for your gracious words…I am feeling like I can move forward and keep going because just writing this created and released new energy – thinking lots of joy.

    Kim,
    Thank you for your encouraging words and good thoughts. I am very appreciative

    Tess,
    This evening I am sharing the time with a couple who are getting married…I think all that good loving spirit might just lift one foot in front of the other…..a wee escape…lots of fantasy in weddings these days…. trying to be gentle, care full…but still take it step by step. Thank you

  33. Jannie Funster Says:

    Hi Patricia, just popping back in to say hi, and hope you are feeling better, tho tears can be a great release and often very healing. They don’t say “having a good cry” for nothing.

    I remember the hard times Jim and I have had over the years, how we struggled with bills (and sometimes still do when the famines come) yet how things have always gotten provided for.

    Like Tess says, be gentle with yourself, and take it step by step.

    xoxo
    .-= Jannie Funster´s last blog ..Can It Really Be =-.

  34. Davina Says:

    Patricia.
    As you say “I am a failure” I don’t see you setting for that. After having read this, I see you closing a door on one chapter; there is a distinct letting go of “something” (can’t quite put my finger on it). But you are resigned about something… in a good way.

    You are narrowing your focus having eliminated what isn’t working.

    Vered’s offer is wonderful!

    You ask if anyone knew of any job openings? What type of jobs would your resume be best suited for? And, realistically speaking, how many days per week do you see yourself putting into a job?

    Patricia, I’m offering you some telephone time to connect if you’re open to a couple of our Friday morning “calls”. I understand how talking it out helps to clear your mind. If money is tight I will call you: I only pay 4 cents per minute. I will email you. Hugs!
    .-= Davina´s last blog ..I’m Not Blogging You Are =-.

  35. Cath Lawson Says:

    Hi Patricia – Your post didn’t show up in my reader, or the F word would have jumped out of me. And it is a word you should not allow into your life ever. Mistakes aren’t failing – you only fail if you give up trying.

    You haven’t blogged for long enough to call yourself a failure at making money from blogging. It takes a long long time and a lot of trial and error to make a penny. Unfortunately, some of these gurus make it sounds easy.

    I think you should maybe find a job and continue to develop your blog in the meantime. And look for ways that don’t just rely on Amazon affiliate program.

    But whatever you decide to do – don’t give up on yourself.
    .-= Cath Lawson´s last blog ..How I Made My Knowledge Sell &amp You Can Too =-.

  36. Patricia Says:

    Jannie,
    thanks for popping in and sending good wishes – much appreciated

    Davina,
    I did not say “I am a failure” I said I failed at one area of my life! And I would love some talk time, and that is a lovely offer…my phone is actually free to call you…it comes attached to my Internet…
    I did a wedding yesterday – no not Chelsea Clinton’s….a friend’s daughter and I now have enough to pay the surprise medical bill..so I feel a bit more relaxed… You are so good to me!
    Thank you dear friend

    Cath,
    I am working on my resume and hoping to get at least something – my prayer is part time which will cover us until the architecture projects get back up and running with full pay…I have been working on grants to pay for writing a book/text book or part time teaching….I was not expecting big dollars for blogging….hopefully for a book…I was hoping to pay for my Internet connection and Word Press feels…
    I truly failed in this one area of our lives and then the health ins. folks compounded the problem in a huge way…I will figure this out, but it is fairly hard core in the mean.

  37. Hilary Says:

    Hi Patricia .. I am going through that process now and am lucky because at the last minute the life lines have dropped into place – but to a point I know how you feel .. I am well though .. and though things may be wrong .. all will be well.

    I am just sorry for you – because life can be so tricky .. and somehow we need to be positive .. something again I am lucky that I seem to be able to do …

    I am planning for my future now, while being ‘down’ .. but moving forward .. giving myself as many options as I can.

    Once I’ve sorted somethings out and can see my way forward then I can email ideas as they come up .. more than that I can send love and hugs from this end of the world ..

    and say my Mama I hope is coming out of hospital tomorrow .. so all in all & I’ve moved .. in utter chaos .. but I didn’t get angry – just carried on & things are working out .. I should be sleeping for Africa .. but one thing at a time as Davina said, one breath at a time ..

    Money spiders and hummingbirds – now there’s a lovely connection .. with the nectar flowing .. with hugs and thoughts .. Hilary
    .-= Hilary´s last blog ..Could this be a sitcom – or a break out sitcom Ever had a one word – at a time – conversation Fish and Chips – how do you spell it =-.

  38. Sara Says:

    Patricia,

    I have to admit, this post brought tears to my eyes. Oh, so many times in different ways, I’ve been where you are. I’m proud of you for not letting this pull you down. I agree with Joanna…there’s a lot of spirit in this post.

    You are amazingly strong and I know that God or whatever higher power you believe in, will come through for you. Just be patient. Given what you said in your comment to Davina, it sounds like this is already happening.

    Let me know if I can help. You can contact me at my site:~)
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..Story Photo- End the Story =-.

  39. Patricia Says:

    Hilary,
    Yes those lifelines are starting to drop into place as I state clearly where I am at and by grounding my reality get a point to move forward from and begin again. Interesting times and keeping the mood level or upward is a challenge.

    I am so happy to hear that your mother is coming out of the hospital and that the move is complete…even if the future is still messy and not in order. One breath/one thing at a time…yes indeed.

  40. Patricia Says:

    Sara,
    Thank you….lovely little rays of light are coming my way and having someone to offer challenge and possibility is great.

    I actually got paid at full worth for my writing and my presentation this weekend – I am taking this as another sign….I made myself bigger and got a bigger response…

    Attempting to learn SEO and see if I can get paid for some more of my writing….I still feel that if I could get my book further down the road – it would be the basis for all the work I could handle…doing trainings….maybe I just need to get out there sooner with trainings and see if I can get paying participants…

    I am very positive about the future, it is just the temporary here and now that is so very traumatic…

    …and if my partner and his firm would just get some of these jobs they are interviewing for now that would be even better….hard to be small town and competing with LA and NYC folks….but we have to remember he is on the list because he know the practical efforts of green architecture better than any one else around. Thank you for your good and kind words.

  41. Mark Says:

    Patricia,
    First I want to thank-you for sharing your “failure”. It does take courage to be able to see the reality and take accountability for it. Failure to me is simply what it is. I figure if I am not failing once in a while then I am not trying hard enough or that I am not risking enough. Failure is part of growth. Failure often gives us more lessons and deeper lessons than does success. You will bounce back. All things have a purpose. Focus on what you want to attract not what you lack. Blessings of wisdom to you!
    .-= Mark´s last blog ..Many Mansions- Many Rooms =-.

  42. Mark Says:

    What kind of work are you looking for and what geographical area are you willing to work in? I do get some jobs sent to me now and then. Matter of fact I had a recruiter send me two opportunities for Charlotte, NC just yesterday.
    .-= Mark´s last blog ..Many Mansions- Many Rooms =-.

  43. Patricia Says:

    Mark,
    Since I am a ” change artist in action”, I truly needed to share all the segments of change that I am integrating. Digging deep into this failed action is opening more pathways of change and by letting go of the feelings, my creativity is moving to the forefront and if writing is intended to paint a picture then it needs to include it all.

    Thank you for your positive words about my writing about this aspect of the changes I am experiencing. I believe it was a good thing to do – wise.

    I live in the Pacific Northwest…and did just apply for a job in the Kansas City area….as a college teacher….I am willing to try on many hats…

    I just can not work for the church any more for no funds….I went too long attempting to get the folks to recognize my worth…instead they rejoiced in all the work I did for free…

  44. Clearly Composed Says:

    I am a new reader to this site and just want to say I am touched by your honesty and willingness. Your sharing is a lovely thing. Thank you for that and all the very best to you and yours.

  45. Patricia Says:

    Clearly Composed
    Welcome and thank you for your comment and good wishes. I am working on big changes and I think folks like to not share so much of the hard parts…which I think are vital to making a lasting change.