I have failed
I have failed to choose the correct path to heal our financial situation. I am making peace with that, and I am letting the tears just run down my cheeks to release the tension and frustration.
I am not a failure.
I feel sad because my children will see my vulnerability and that I am not so potent with my magic wand. They keep reminding me that I have always pulled it off before – I have always been able to figure it out.
Well, I have it figured out. I know what I did wrong and I know exactly how I have arrived at this failed accomplishment. The strategies that worked in other famines worked because I was able to remedy them within six months and they were not accompanied by a National/ Global Economic Depression.
I failed to get a position that would pay for our health insurance and I did not set aside enough money from my inheritance to cover more than 6 months. I knew it would get expensive but I did not understand how expensive it would become.
Previously, I had more options: I physically could take on a house cleaning job, or seasonally work for a store or stock shelves all night long; I could make and sell my organic applesauce….this year the trees did not set very many apples – I have none to eat.
My counseling credentials and registration have been canceled because I failed to get another Master’s Degree in an area that the State has approved. My Ethics Standards have been upgraded and I have completed the necessary course work, this was not enough.
Book reviews are no longer paid for unless someone purchases a brand new paperback/hard-copy book. And no one is purchasing the Eat to Health and Eat to Live programs off my website.
I could blame.
I could make excuses.
Instead I find myself in a state of deep Gratitude for all the folks who have shared with me and guided me on their blogs, with their comments and with their offers of insight and assistance.
I will add Karen Swim for showing me how to update my resume and make it powerful and current.
I feel a tremendous freedom to begin again to discover and explore a new dream and fill it with my passion and zest.
I never said that change was a linear process or that it was a smooth ride.
I chose a path that I thought would work as it had in the past. This choice failed so it is time for a new direction.
A wee postscript: I am being open to signs that appear in my life – here are two that have just been revealed to me. After my walk, I was showering and thinking about canceling my dental insurance and about writing about this failure – uncertain as to whether or not I should do either one. I was rinsing my hair and as I stepped away from the flow of water and opened my eyes there on the wall was a quarter sized giant house spider. Spiders are the totem for writing and I figured I should write about failure for sure.
Before I began the postscript, I looked out the window to the sunshine breaking through the morning marine layer of clouds and there looking back at me and hovering was a hummingbird. Hummingbird is the totem for JOY.
How do you handle the situation when something fails? What are things that work for you for letting the emotions out and making progress? Know of any job openings?