A Regular Crank Case
I am cranky. I must have gotten out of bed on the wrong side.
I do not wish to be around me and on top of that, I do not wish to cook, or clean or be responsible for anything today. I have no idea what I WANT to do.
I forgot to give my partner a message about the lawnmower and now the shop is closed. This changes his expectations and plans for a non rainy day. I feel sad that he feels inflexible in his routine and he does not want to do his own cooking now. He did make his own cookies for lunches last week – isn’t that enough? Actually, he says nothing because avoiding conflict of any kind is his forte.
He will disappear soon, to some place I am not because he is holding on to not making any changes right now and he does not want to understand my need to make changes right now.
It seems I must fit into everyone else’s plans, if I want to get anything accomplished. I am a mean machine of tense movement, responding with terse remarks. I need some IT help, but my Sunday’s are already too full, but it is the only time I can connect with my IT person and fit into her schedule.
I have made an elaborate list on a big sheet of paper because I could not find it last week while I was on the phone. This made me angry at myself for not being able to do it myself and I did my back up wrong and had to ask for more help.
I do not want to learn something new on the computer; I want IT to do it for me.
I always do the big cooking for the week and save us money by knowing what is in the freezer and rotating the diet and reading all the labels to keep folks gluten free. The thought of standing and working in the kitchen on my swollen knees and feet is overwhelming and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired – I have been at this healing process for years now. Why does everything hurt?
Three times this week, I have been highlighted as the non-working spouse. All that means is I do not bring in a paycheck and benefits that would help the budget. Well it is true, I sold vitamins and safe cleaning products to bring in money so that I could stay home with our youngest child and for several years attended high school with her to keep her going to class. I kept us healthy and paid for our health insurance through that process. Two of my children wanted to go to Europe and travel – I cleaned houses and office buildings with them to help pay their way.
How quickly they forget about all my years of working and finding funds for camp, tennis, soccer and shoes. All the hours of cooking to create health and growth – tracking down foods that restore the self and the earth. Why are all the years of volunteering discounted? I used to boil the sheets to tackle the dust mite allergies and vacuum everyday so that they could have pets. Wasn’t I silly? Foolish?
I do not go over all these perceived injustices all the time, they just pop up when I get up on the wrong side of the bed. They are part of being cranky and being sick and tired of being sick and tired. It is part of letting go of what is festering inside. Washing the spirit clean and recycling and releasing the toxins.
My partner has always admired that when I get angry, I am and I express it and then move forward. This is a learned skill and it takes practice. I am self taught.
But this is not angry – this is cranky. I am not down to the core of the issue and I am casting about in my feelings to locate the blockage. I am using these cranky feelings to access the main emotional need that is not being cared for and nourished. I am peeling back layers and layers and it works better if I can say it out loud and hear what I am saying.
I am at the door, at the threshold of a change and I have not lifted the latch and pushed on through. This is big and I know what is on the other side – I can see it in my mind’s eye and I am testing and dusting off the residue and asking myself if I want this change?
I am defending myself from the slings and arrows of change. I am sensitive to the resistance movement.
I am cranky because I am being responsible to them and not me.
Change is like winter to spring. Change is not linear and it is not for sissies. I model change for others to witness. Change is my art form.
You ever get out of bed on the wrong side? Do you ever just go with the feelings and not do the list?
How do you use your cranky feelings?