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A Regular Crank Case

Cranky Turtle

Cranky Turtle

I am cranky.  I must have gotten out of bed on the wrong side.

I do not wish to be around me and on top of that, I do not wish to cook, or clean or be responsible for anything today.  I have no idea what I WANT to do.

I forgot to give my partner a message about the lawnmower and now the shop is closed.  This changes his expectations and plans for a non rainy day.  I feel sad that he feels inflexible in his routine and he does not want to do his own cooking now.  He did make his own cookies for lunches last week – isn’t that enough?  Actually, he says nothing because avoiding conflict of any kind is his forte.

He will disappear soon, to some place I am not because he is holding on to not making any changes right now and he does not want to understand my need to make changes right now.

It seems I must fit into everyone else’s plans, if I want to get anything accomplished.   I am a mean machine of tense movement, responding with terse remarks.  I need some IT help, but my Sunday’s are already too full, but it is the only time I can connect with my IT person and fit into her schedule.
I have made an elaborate list on a big sheet of paper because I could not find it last week while I was on the phone.  This made me angry at myself for not being able to do it myself and I did my back up wrong and had to ask for more help.

I do not want to learn something new on the computer; I want IT to do it for me.

I always do the big cooking for the week and save us money by knowing what is in the freezer and rotating the diet and reading all the labels to keep folks gluten free.  The thought of standing and working in the kitchen on my swollen knees and feet is overwhelming and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired – I have been at this healing process for years now.  Why does everything hurt?

Three times this week, I have been highlighted as the non-working spouse.  All that means is I do not bring in a paycheck and benefits that would help the budget.   Well it is true, I sold vitamins and safe cleaning products to bring in money so that I could stay home with our youngest child and for several years attended high school with her to keep her going to class.  I kept us healthy and paid for our health insurance through that process.  Two of my children wanted to go to Europe and travel – I cleaned houses and office buildings with them to help pay their way.

How quickly they forget about all my years of working and finding funds for camp, tennis, soccer and shoes. All the hours of cooking to create health and growth – tracking down foods that restore the self and the earth.   Why are all the years of volunteering discounted?  I used to boil the sheets to tackle the dust mite allergies and vacuum everyday so that they could have pets.  Wasn’t I silly? Foolish?

I do not go over all these perceived injustices all the time, they just pop up when I get up on the wrong side of the bed.   They are part of being cranky and being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  It is part of letting go of what is festering inside. Washing the spirit clean and recycling and releasing the toxins.

My partner has always admired that when I get angry, I am and I express it and then move forward. This is a learned skill and it takes practice.   I am self taught.

But this is not angry – this is cranky.  I am not down to the core of the issue and I am casting about in my feelings to locate the blockage.  I am using these cranky feelings to access the main emotional need that is not being cared for and nourished.  I am peeling back layers and layers and it works better if I can say it out loud and hear what I am saying.

I am at the door, at the threshold of a change and I have not lifted the latch and pushed on through. This is big and I know what is on the other side – I can see it in my mind’s eye and I am testing and dusting off the residue and asking myself if I want this change?

I am defending myself from the slings and arrows of change.  I am sensitive to the resistance movement.

I am cranky because I am being responsible to them and not me.

Change is like winter to spring. Change is not linear and it is not for sissies. I model change for others to witness. Change is my art form.

You ever get out of bed on the wrong side?  Do you ever just go with the feelings and not do the list?

How do you use your cranky feelings?

Related readings:
I Needs
How We Make Decisions and Changes
Increase Your Emotional IQ
The Magic Want

15 Responses to “A Regular Crank Case”

  1. sanjay mehra Says:

    Me too. I am at the gate and I have pushed the latch. I don’t quite know what is on the other side, but I know what is on this side and I don’t want that. I am sick and tired of being used for everyone’s ends. For some time I want to be nurtured and cared for, but the only person left to take care of me is me. And I will be damned if I am going to let me down at this juncture when I need me so much.

  2. Tony Single Says:

    Patricia, I feel privileged to have been able to read this. Thank you for sharing something of your inner dialogue/process in this way.

    This is the kind of thing I find myself having to do also… just to be able to get to the right side of the bed, as it were, and start again for that day.

    I’d like to share this vid with you if I may. It’s a song called “Lady Divine” by Alela Diane. My lovely wife had a dark thundercloud above her head one day, and while this didn’t remove that, the song did happen to lift her spirits enough to want to give me a hug. That was a fine hug from my “lady divine”. :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQyYJhzeDvU

    Anyhow, Patricia, I do hope you find your way over to the other side of the bed soon. :)
    .-= Tony Single´s last blog ..Count Zero =-.

  3. Dot Says:

    Sending you hugs. It sounds like you’re going through something tough and feeling unappreciated at the same time. Some TLC from your partner and your kids would help a lot right now, wouldn’t it?

    “My partner has always admired that when I get angry, I am and I express it and then move forward.” Well, if you feel he’s not being responsive to your needs, sit down and talk quietly with him. Find out what’s going on with him and tell him what’s going on with you.

  4. Talon Says:

    Patricia, I hope in some small way writing it out is helpful. I wish I could give you a huge hug, but I’m sending cyber ones your way.

    I think we often fall into a bit of a trap. When we are intuitive and the primary caregiver of everyone and every single thing in the home, we get lost in the shuffle. We instinctively give and give until there is nothing left for ourselves. And we assume that others will notice how tired we are, how drained we are, how we have nothing left to give and it’s even more upsetting because they don’t seem to get it. They don’t have that same intuitive sense of what needs doing and sometimes, even if they do, they have no idea how to help. I’ve found it best to sit down and spell it out. Let them know where you need help, let them know what needs doing and how they can help. Sometimes our crankiness pushes people away just when we need them the most. It’s also interesting that our loved ones sometimes don’t even notice the sacrifices and hard work because they simply take it for granted.

    Maybe the next latch is one that you need some help with lifting. Maybe it’s one that you aren’t supposed to open alone.
    .-= Talon´s last blog ..I’m not the only one… =-.

  5. Betsy Wuebker Says:

    Hi Patricia – Oh, how I loved this! It reminded me of: When my kids were little, we’d consciously decide that today would be a crabby day! We’d be crabby and cantankerous, we’d stamp our feet and flounce around in a huff! Sometimes we would pick adjectives and nouns out of the Shakespearean insult list, and admonish each other with something like: you knobby-pated gargoyle. It wound up being hilarious. But this is not fun for you, as you are well aware.

    I feel that there is something huge looming for you. And I think you have tried and tried to make a change occur to the point that now you must let the universe do what it needs to do for you to move forward. I am convinced of this. Rest and relax, do for yourself only just for a time. I’m certain the breakthrough is near.
    .-= Betsy Wuebker´s last blog ..What I Should Have Said =-.

  6. Patricia Says:

    sanjay mehra
    I send good thoughts to you for passing through the gate – nourish yourself and do not give in or be distracted … I am sorry I can not see what day you will jump over the threshold, as that would take a magic wand, but I know the frustration of knowing that it is close at hand – it is soon and relief is in sight.

    Tony,
    I am sending a hug too your way, that song was lovely and did lift my spirits also – you are thoughtful to share such a gift.
    Those of us who make lots of changes in our lives recognize that what I am writing about it the “neutral zone” stage of a change…testing and wondering when one will fall through to the other side. This specific change for me was a surprise because I thought I was already working the other side…but I think now I was caught by the economic crisis and was suspended in midair change….my body is making me do it over

    I did a book review on this blog of William Bridges Book TRANSITIONS – I read it often as it truly nourishes change artists. It comforts too.

    Dot,
    My partner does not like change and this economic crisis has really made big changes for him. We do sit and talk – as often as we are able, but he has had to let 5 employees go this year, and we have used all our short term savings and now retirement savings to keep everyone going – some work is starting to come in – uber slowly. The pressures on him are huge. He needs nurturing too and finds it by long bike rides. There are no funds to go out and eat – so someone has to cook. We have nothing to give each other at times….
    I surely can feel that hug – Thank you.

    Talon,
    Thank you for your kind words. I can honestly say that I am getting some amazing help right now for this transition and for healing. All the commenters here just lift my spirits tremendously and encourage me to keep going. I’ll throw out another thank you to Davina too for her symbolic modeling experience – it is just expanding my thinking by leaps and bound – I hope everyone gets an opportunity to participate in that.

    The adult educator in my thought I saw a teaching moment/ opportunity to share that the neutral zone when making a change is not just saying blithely “Well there were some tough times too – not so easy moments” I think people need to know there are rough spots and tough spots and lonely spots – because one is doing a new thing. A reality show reveal maybe?
    I am making a huge transition and it involves being healthy after a life time of the body being unwell. I am doing a new thing – and it is scaring people around me – folks do many things to hinder a change they do not want to encourage. (Because it might make them have to change too?)

    Betsy,
    Yep it think you are right on – there is something huge ahead for me and my mind is ready my body is saying do this part over again please. Maybe this fallowing period will allow others to catch up and let go of their fear? Yes, I think I am having so many insights nearly everyday – I do think that the breakthrough is very near

  7. Barbara Swafford Says:

    Hi Patricia,

    OMG, as I was reading this it reminded me so much of “The Shift”. If you have a chance, watch the movie. What you said about being at the door of change is exactly what “the shift” is.

    I’m so happy Lori of Think Like A Black Belt wrote about this movie as it is powerful and can change lives. It’s a must see. I’ve already watched it twice and love it. You’ll be able to identify with the “mom” in the movie. Her story made me cry.

    ((((hugs)))) to you, my friend.
    .-= Barbara Swafford´s last blog ..My New Baby – The Unveiling – Enter The Drawing And Win =-.

  8. Davina Says:

    Patricia, you are a powerhouse today! This feels like you are revving your motor, ready to break through the starting gate. And whoever or whatever is on the other side of that door better give you the space you need to pass through. I’m waving the flag :-) Hugs to you; you’re on your way…
    .-= Davina´s last blog ..When It’s Not Just I =-.

  9. Patricia Says:

    Barbara, I love you new blog site – it is stunning and you are so talented.
    I have the SHIFT on my list and am waiting for it to arrive. Thank you for the hugs….I think I am on the verge of making a big shift myself…so wanted to document this moment of transition.

    Davina,
    I just gave up another project which was still riding in the caboose.
    I feel a bit close to exploding out of myself…actually, but then I fell down on both knees walking this morning – duct tape was helpful, but now they are so swollen, I decided I needed to hold back again for a wee bit – at least until the next DR. appt.
    on St. Patty’s day.
    Yes, I think I am on the way, writing about healing…

    Wow I have the greatest commenters of all…and such warm and cozy virtual hugs – I am so lucky
    .-= Patricia´s last blog ..Embracing This Change =-.

  10. Tess The Bold Life Says:

    I’m sending you love, light and blessings. I see only good happening for you. xo

  11. vered | blogger for hire Says:

    Loved this post. :)

    I sometimes get cranky, especially when I’m too busy, but I always fight it which takes tons of energy… you just gave me something to think about!

  12. Patricia Says:

    Tess,
    Thank you – I think I am moving forward here…but my body is having trouble catching up. I feel the light and blessings

    Vered,
    I am so glad you did like the post 😉 I think for me resisting is too hard…for me letting it out and naming it is better …brings it to the light of day.

    I am clearing and cleaning out a great many things these days and truly it feels great. I think women have a need to be more open and clear – not give so much away

  13. J.D. Meier Says:

    It’s always interesting how thoughts can shape feelings … and feelings can shape thoughts. What I find is even more interesting is how when you suddenly know the cause of your feelings (coffee, lack of sleep, whatever …) the ah-ha can transform you thoughts and in-turn override your feelings.
    .-= J.D. Meier´s last blog ..Information Overload is Not the Problem – It’s Filter Failure =-.

  14. Hilary Says:

    Hi Patricia .. it’s so good you can write your way round your hassles .. and I admire you that you can let us know your angst and thus appreciate others’ lives.

    It’s so difficult to hold things in to yourself .. and rationalise what’s going on, realising that so much isn’t of your making, but leaving that negative behind is so tricky. I rationalise and then ‘turn on my heel’ and get on with life .. not at all easy – I know. I do hope Spring will lighten the load a little .. and Im so pleased you’re here and able to spill the beans with us .. my thoughts and hugs are with you ..
    .-= Hilary´s last blog ..Women – how much education have women had in the past 2,000 years? =-.

  15. Patricia Says:

    JD
    This is the way I am most of the time; I usually peel the layers in private and silence…I wanted to share that the rough times are just as important as the smooth sail moments in making a change and are often the most revealing.

    Hilary,
    If I am working on letting go of what is holding me back and keeping me from completing the change I need to accomplish to heal I will not heal. I wanted to be real about the rough moments of change, because these are the moments when folks quit and give up…because it is too hard. I am enjoying all the virtual hugs and support…. and I am having beans for lunch – if I don’t spill them in route to my mouth !!!
    Thank you for your good words.